


love and what it means for us

by bloodred_ander



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Chinguline (EXO), Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Selectively Mute Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-07-11 04:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15964334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodred_ander/pseuds/bloodred_ander
Summary: Prompt Code:#257Warnings:Swearing, mentions of various mental illnesses (mentioned in the tags), panic attacksSummary:Kyungsoo is a freshman who is selectively mute and Chanyeol is intrigued.





	love and what it means for us

**Author's Note:**

> { **A/N:** As of _21/02/19_ this has finally been edited. To those of you that have already read this - don't worry, I just fixed some typos, corrected the formatting and added a line or two that barely makes a difference. To those of you that haven't read this - enjoy!!}
> 
>  **Author's Note:** If you are unfamiliar with Selective Mutism and how incapacitating it can be then [this](https://selectivemutismcenter.org/whatisselectivemutism/) website is very informative. There's a particular line in the website that reads: **MUTISM is just one of the many characteristics that children with Selective Mutism portray**. That line is what the entire fic was built up around. Please understand that Selective Mutism is an anxiety disorder and like any other mental illness, is a serious issue and should be treated as such. As someone who suffers from social anxiety and depression, this fic is really personal to me and I drew a lot from my own experiences while writing things from Kyungsoo's POV.
> 
>  **Side Pairing(s)** : Krisbaek, Suchen.
> 
> To the mods - you guys are the best! Thank you for being so patient and understanding and thank you for letting me be a part of this amazing fest!! I love you!
> 
> To the prompter - I guess this didn't turn out as angsty as you may have wanted but I hope that you like it nonetheless :)
> 
> To the reader - this has finally been edited, so yayyy!!!

“ _Fuck_ ,” Chanyeol curses under his breath, holding his right arm to his chest as he rubs at his throbbing elbow. He can also feel a dull ache in his lower back and he winces as he pushes himself up, knowing that he's aggravated his barely healed biking injury and that it's definitely going to be a bitch to deal with later. He groans as he reaches for his snap-back, running a hand through his disheveled dyed blonde locks before he puts it on, pulling it low over his face. It’s barely nine in the morning and his first day as a sophomore is already off to such a poor start.

A sudden shaky exhale reminds Chanyeol that there's actually a reason why he's currently sitting on the floor nursing injuries instead of running down the hallways of the music department to get to his first class of the day.

Chanyeol immediately looks at the boy sitting awkwardly on the floor in front of him, gingerly rubbing the back of his head with one hand as he feels around him with the other, the tips of his ears are red and his lips are pulled down in a grimace. Guilt is a heavy feeling in Chanyeol's stomach as he takes note of all the boy’s books and belongings scattered around them and he jumps up - aching back be damned - in a hurry to help the boy, embarrassment colouring his cheeks a deep red.

“I'm sorry!” Chanyeol, panicked, practically shouts, deep voice echoing down the empty hallways as he scrambles to pick up books and binders and whatnot, handing them over to the boy as soon as does so. “I am _so_ terribly sorry. I didn't see where I was going and _God_ , I should not have been rushing an–  I am really sorry!”

Chanyeol rambles on; apologies and excuses spilling past his lips non-stop as he keeps thrusting things into the boy's hands. The boy, however, sits motionless on his spot on the floor, his legs folded under him and his gaze lowered, hands trembling noticeably as he takes his things from Chanyeol and places them onto his lap. Chanyeol doesn't even register how quiet the other boy is until he's handing a pair of black rimmed glasses, the last of the scattered items, over to him. The silence that settles around them after that is unnerving.

“I'm sorry,” Chanyeol apologizes for the umpteenth time, hoping that the boy isn't mad at him even though he probably should be; if someone bulldozed into Chanyeol out of nowhere like that he would understandably be furious. “I should have been more careful.”

The boy says nothing to acknowledge Chanyeol or accept his apology and he's starting to feel steadily guiltier the longer the silence drags on. The boy wipes down his glasses with the hem of his plaid shirt before pushing them over the bridge of his nose, hands shaking furiously as he does so. Chanyeol frowns as he notices this, worrying that he may have accidentally hurt him.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asks softly – which in retrospect is probably a stupid question because the boy looks anything but okay – and his frown deepens when he doesn’t get a reply. The boy tries to push himself up slowly and Chanyeol, desperate to try and quell his own feeling of guilt, jumps at another chance to help him. Chanyeol moves to grabs at his arms to help pull him up but the boy jerks away, angling his body away from Chanyeol and standing up quickly, clutching his things to his chest with a white knuckled grip.

Chanyeol pouts involuntarily.                      

“Look,” he says, taking a cautious step closer, resisting the urge to sigh as the boy takes a step away. “I know you're probably mad and that's okay, but, uh, if you're hurt at least let me take you to the nurse's office. Please? It's the least I could do for, you know, running into you like that.”

The boy says nothing yet again and he looks so very tiny as he stands there in front of Chanyeol, head lowered and shoulders hunched, feet pressed together. Chanyeol feels kinda bad seeing him like this but it's not like the boy is letting him help as well; he hasn't even said a single word to him. Not an “ _It's okay_ ,” or not even a well-deserved “ _Fuck you!_ ”. Nothing. He just stands rooted to his spot, refusing to meet Chanyeol's gaze or acknowledge him in any way. He looks a little scared and Chanyeol wonders if he's a new kid; most freshmen tend to be nervous on their first day, maybe that's why he's so silent and also why Chanyeol can't seem to recognize him. It’s not like he knows every single student that attends the same university as him but he is familiar with most of the people that are under the same department as him.

“Hey, are you new here?” Chanyeol asks, bending his head a little to try and get a proper look at the boy's face. He isn't expecting a response so he almost jumps back in surprise when the boy tilts his head up, his round eyes - probably appearing bigger than they seem because of the lens of his glasses - boring into Chanyeol's own as he stares at him impassively. Chanyeol blinks once, twice, staring blankly at the new face in front of him; he looks cute (an inappropriate thought considering the situation), albeit a little intimidating.

“I'm sorry, again,” Chanyeol gives him a sheepish smile as he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. He’s not sure himself why he's trying so hard to get the boy to say something, _anything_ , or why his forced silence bothers him so much. “Do you know where the nurse's office is? I could take you if you want. In case you're hurt.”

The boy just continues to stare at Chanyeol blankly, eyes unblinking, full plump lips curved down a little at the edges. Chanyeol's smile wavers, fingers twitching anxiously. He clears his throat and adjusts the cap on his head.

“It's, uh– I need to go, so,” Chanyeol eventually says, tired of the silence and the staring, and the overall awkwardness of the situation. He glances at his wrist watch and sighs dejectedly, lamenting the fact that he's already late for class, which is what he was trying to avoid in the first place. The boy, as Chanyeol has come to expect of him in these past few minutes, says nothing and Chanyeol scowls at him in an attempt to make his annoyance known. He apologizes one last time, then turns around and walks away briskly, trying to tamp down on the indignation that he feels as he makes his way down the empty hallways, his heavy footsteps echoing noisily.

Chanyeol is at fault, he admits that, but he feels like the boy's silent treatment was uncalled for. He didn't have to accept Chanyeol's apologies but the least he could do was respond like a decent human being. And to think that he even offered to take him to the nurse's office despite being late for class. _God_.

Chanyeol decides then that this new kid, whoever he is, is just a disrespectful jerk, plain and simple.

 

 

 

Chanyeol reluctantly makes his way over to  _Gastro_ – the usual place where he, his half-brother Yifan, and Baekhyun have been eating almost all of their meals since his freshman year – dragging his feet heavily on the sidewalk as he tries not to sulk. The tiny little restaurant is at a halfway distance between their student apartment and the University, nestled between a hardware store and a nondescript bookstore of some kind; easy to miss if one's not looking for it. They came across it almost by accident but have been coming back here daily (or whenever their funds permit) ever since because the food is good and the rates are affordable enough for a student. The owners are good people too, who often stuff Chanyeol with extra food without charging for it, and really, who is he to refuse their kindness. On a normal day Chanyeol wouldn't even be bothered about making the seven minute walk to get from the campus to _Gastro_ , he likes it even, but today it feels like an absolute pain (quite literally because of his aching back). He had even considered just grabbing something to eat from the shitty cafeteria on campus, sky-high prices be damned, but Baekhyun had texted to let him know that they were waiting and had already ordered for him and well, here he is now, stomping his way into the restaurant like a petulant child.   
  
“What happened to you?” Yifan asks as soon as Chanyeol sits down at their usual table at the back of the restaurant, wincing slightly as he carefully lowers himself into the chair. Yifan's concern is masked by practiced nonchalance, hidden behind his usual serious expression, but Chanyeol isn't fooled, he knows his brother better than anyone else and he can tell that he's worried. Chanyeol appreciates the sentiment but he hates that his brother keeps mother-henning him. He'll be turning nineteen soon, he's not a kid anymore.   
  
“I'm fine,” Chanyeol says and for the most part he actually is; he's just been in a sour mood ever since he offered to help that boy after running into him only to be treated so rudely. “I just had a shitty first day I guess.”   
  
“The day's not even over yet, Yeol,” Baekhyun points out, rolling his eyes at Chanyeol from across the table. Chanyeol glares at him as he takes off his cap, running his finger through his hair to make it look a little less…  _wild_ _._  
  
“Geez Baek, I dunno. If someone kept the promise they made and had woken me up like they were supposed to then maybe I wouldn’t have been late for class,” Chanyeol grouses, glaring at Baekhyun. To be fair though, it isn’t Baekhyun’s fault that Chanyeol has a habit of sleeping through his alarm.   
  
“I just knew that letting you room with us this year would be a bad idea,” Yifan sighs heavily, giving Baekhyun a baleful look. Baekhyun, that asshole, doesn’t even look apologetic in the slightest.   
  
“I’m not your dad, Chanyeol,” he shrugs, nonchalant, ignoring Yifan’s quip. “And you’re always late for class anyways so...”

Chanyeol frowns; Baekhyun does have a point.  
  
“Yeah, but today I had Professor Lee’s class first thing in the morning and I was ten minutes late,” Chanyeol scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest, trying not to pout. He leaves out the bit about that asshole kid, knowing that what happened there was more his fault than anything else and also because he doesn’t need his brother lecturing him right now.   
  
“Oh,” Baekhyun winces, looking a little guilty now. “Sorry. I hope he wasn’t too harsh on you.”   
  
“Well he insulted me in front of the whole class first and then kicked me out,” Chanyeol shrugs but his voice sounds bitter even to his own ears.  _God_ he hates that old bastard. “Looks like he’s going to be riding my ass this year as well.”   
  
“Hey, Yeol,” Yifan leans forward on the table, dropping his voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “You know that I could always beat him up for you, right? Just say the word and me and my boys are on it. I’m pretty sure that asshole doesn’t need both his legs anyway.”   
  
Chanyeol laughs loudly, throwing his head back and slapping his hands on the table. He knows that his brother is only joking, had said that mostly to cheer Chanyeol up, but it’s the thought that counts. Besides, Yifan’s never really been the violent type, no matter how intimidating he may look and Chanyeol’s never really been much for violence either.   
  
“Thanks, but also, no thanks,” Chanyeol tells his brother once he calms down, thankful that the restaurant is relatively empty. “It’s your last year; I don’t think you should be doing stuff that would get you expelled.”   
  
“Would be worth it though,” Yifan shrugs and Baekhyun nods in agreement, grinning at him suggestively. Chanyeol just rolls his eyes, shoulders still shaking with laughter. Maybe coming here for lunch today wasn't such a bad idea after all.   
  
“Just to make up for being a shit best friend and for breaking my promise,” Baekhyun says once he spies the waitress bringing their food over, “I’m paying for Yeol’s lunch.”   
  
“You don’t need to do that,” Chanyeol smirks at Baekhyun, rubbing a hand over his stomach impatiently, “but if you want to then I am definitely not complaining.”   
  
“How come you never buy me lunch?” Yifan grumbles, pulling lightly on Baekhyun’s left ear. Chanyeol hides his smirk behind his hand, thanking the waitress when she puts their plates down on the table followed by their drinks. He sighs happily at his plate of pasta; good thing his brother always knows what to order for him.   
  
“Because you don’t deserve it,” Baekhyun says as he slaps Yifan’s hand away, reaching out for his plate of noodles. “And also because my Yeol was sad. I hate seeing him sad.”   
  
Baekhyun coos at Chanyeol, reaching across the table to pinch his cheeks and Chanyeol lets him, even leans forward a little, only because he knows how much it riles Yifan up.   
  
“He was hardly sad,” Yifan points out, picking up a fork to stick it into Chanyeol's plate to steal some of his pasta. “He was…  _upset_.”   
  
“That is, like, the same thing,” Baekhyun makes a face at him before stuffing his mouth with food. Chanyeol sticks his tongue out at his brother and Yifan kicks him under the table, finally reaching for his own plate of food.   
  
They eat in silence for a while, occasionally stealing food from each other’s plates, but silence is never a good thing for Chanyeol because he always ends up getting consumed by his own thoughts. Right now, as Chanyeol watches Yifan try to steal food from Baekhyun, he can't help but dwell on the fact that this is Yifan’s last year. He isn't going to be around next year and Chanyeol won’t have someone who constantly reminds him to eat and drink enough water. He won't have his brother around to nag at him if he doesn't bundle up appropriately when it’s cold outside or chastise him when he slacks off and starts skipping classes to go bowling with a few of the seniors. Chanyeol may grumble a lot about the way Yifan constantly babies him but not having his brother around is going to suck big time. Even just thinking about it is upsetting so Chanyeol has no idea how he’s actually going to deal with his brother’s absence when the time comes.   
  
Chanyeol doesn’t realise that he’s sulking until he feels Yifan tapping his shoes against Chanyeol's own under the table. He looks up at his brother with a pout on his face and Yifan tilts his head curiously, eyebrows raised in question. Chanyeol shrugs and goes back to his food, hating the fact that Yifan is so perceptive – must be something to do with him being a damn Psych major.   
  
Yifan keeps his eyes fixed on Chanyeol for a few seconds before realizing that he isn’t going to get an answer from his younger brother anytime soon. He sighs but decides to fill in the silence since he's done with his lunch anyways, if only to stop Chanyeol from getting lost in his own thoughts again.   
  
“So are we still on for dinner tonight?” Yifan asks, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Baekhyun pauses mid chew to give him an incredulous look and Chanyeol tries his best not to shrink into his seat.  _Shit_.   
  
“We–” Baekhyun swallows heavily, winces, then takes a swig of his strawberry milkshake to help the food go down easier, thumping a fist against his chest. Chanyeol cracks a small smile at his friend's antics, Yifan, however, doesn't look so amused.   
  
“You are such a fucking heathen,” Yifan mocks with an exaggerated roll of his eyes but Chanyeol knows he doesn't mean it. There is only one person, apart from Chanyeol himself of course, that his brother is soft for and that person is Byun Baekhyun. Yifan has been smitten ever since Chanyeol introduced the two of them last year after he and Baekhyun became fast friends during freshman orientation. Too bad his best friend is so dense though and his brother is too much of a coward to actually say anything. Chanyeol would intervene but his brother's already warned him not to interfere so he keeps his thoughts to himself.   
  
“We’re cancelling our dinner plans now?” Baekhyun asks, ignoring Yifan yet again. He looks at Chanyeol with teary eyes and flushed cheeks, and his voice is strained and raspy after nearly choking on his lunch but Chanyeol can still hear the concern in his voice. “Seriously Yeol, you're never this glum,  _especially_ on the first day. So tell me who hurt you because I'm ready to throw some punches, no questions asked.”   
  
Chanyeol chuckles when Baekhyun starts punching air to prove a point, his face scrunched up in what he thinks is an intimidating look but really, to Chanyeol he just looks cute. Yifan sighs tiredly and catches Baekhyun's hand, placing it down on the table before he can knock down their drinks.   
  
“As much as I hate agreeing with Baek,” Yifan flinches when Baekhyun pouts and pokes him in the side with his forefinger. He grabs his hand again and holds it, keeps a tight grip around his wrist. “He’s right. It's unusual seeing you this quiet, because we all know that you are the only geek who actually looks forward to going back to school as opposed to the rest of us. Not to mention the whole ‘ _let's get dinner to celebrate our first day_ ’ bullshit is your idea.”   
  
“Exactly, we just go along with it because it makes you happy for some reason,” Baekhyun wrenches his hand free from Yifan's grip, rubbing his wrist slightly. He looks at Chanyeol, expression serious, “You know if something's wrong you can always tell us right? I mean, you can’t possibly be this sulky just because of old man Lee. He’s an asshole, sure, but you’ve never really cared this much before.”   
  
Chanyeol sighs, sipping on his coke as he thinks of how best to voice his thoughts. There's nothing wrong per say, it's just that he thought today would be a good day but it turned out the exact opposite, and that bothers him somehow. It bothers him a lot more than he'd like to admit.   
  
“I know, Baek. It's just… a bad mood?” Chanyeol sighs, puts his glass back onto the table, and buries his face into his hands, feeling extremely tired for no particular reason. He doesn't feel like going out today to celebrate something as trivial as the first day of a new semester – even if it was actually his idea – and even if cancelling on his brother and best friend does make him a shitty person. Chanyeol was pretty excited about it last night and even in the morning but then that incident happened with the kid and Professor Lee kicked him out of class and, Chanyeol doesn’t know, his mood just gradually darkened as the day wore on. Another reason why he doesn't want to celebrate the first day of his sophomore year anymore is because he unwittingly spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that his brother will be leaving the country after he graduates.

It could be all of that or he’s probably just being a bit over dramatic about everything. Wouldn’t be the first time for that to happen anyway.  
  
“I also offered to help Junmyeon hyung today,” Chanyeol tells them in an attempt to try and change the topic. He picks his cap up from the table, settling it back onto his head carefully. “He's volunteering at the library again.”

Chanyeol did in fact volunteer to help Junmyeon after his classes ended. He had chanced upon the business major in between classes and had been excited to see him again after the break, but Junmyeon was in a rush as usual so they couldn't really talk much. Junmyeon did look happy to see him though; even if he did spend a brief moment hesitating after Chanyeol had insisted that he wanted to help him at the library.  
  
“It's just the first day Chanyeol, give yourself a damn break,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes at him but at least doesn't look angry, which is a relief because Chanyeol's mood is already sour. He doesn’t think that he can handle his best friend being upset with him today.   
  
“Maybe tell that to Junmyeon as well,” Yifan suggests, grabbing Baekhyun’s plate to finish off the noodles that Baekhyun seems to have no interest in anymore. Chanyeol checks the time, sighing when he notices that it’s almost two; his next class starts at 2:15. “I know he’s a part of the student council and everything but he seriously over does it sometimes. I worry about him.”   
  
“Since when have you and Junmyeon hyung ever been close enough for you to  _worry_ about him?” Baekhyun turns to scowl at Yifan, crossing his arms over his chest and Chanyeol tries his best not to laugh at how confused Yifan looks at suddenly having the conversation focused on him.   
  
“Um,” Yifan swallows thickly, eyes flicking from Chanyeol to Baekhyun. He looks unsure of what’s going on. “Junmyeon is my friend? We hang out all the time. I thought you guys knew about that.” 

“I most certainly did not know that Junmyeon hyung is your  _friend_ or that you hang out with him  _all the time_ ,” Baekhyun grumbles, gesturing exaggeratedly. The tips of his ears are pink and he’s pouting despite trying hard not to; looking upset even if he's trying to sound angry. “I thought we could trust you but I guess not because you’ve been keeping secrets from us.”   
  
Baekhyun jabs his finger repeatedly at Yifan’s chest.   
  
“I.. I just– ” Yifan turns to look at Chanyeol, looking utterly lost and worried at the same time. “What did I do? I was just expressing concern for a friend and then suddenly I’m being attacked. Why?”   
  
“Don’t worry hyung,” Chanyeol snickers. “Baek’s just jealous because you’re taking Junmyeon hyung out on dates and not him.”   
  
Baekhyun’s face goes bright red within seconds and now he looks angry. Yifan kicks Chanyeol under the table, looking panicked even though they all know that Junmyeon is literally just a friend; he was Baekhyun's roommate last year, that's how all of them became acquainted in the first place.

"You’ve been going on  _dates_ with him?” Baekhyun asks, eyes wide and fists clenched, not even bothering to acknowledge the rest of Chanyeol’s sentence. Yifan splutters helplessly and Chanyeol bites his lip to keep from laughing out loud. 

“Anyways,” Chanyeol says as he stands, ready to beat a hasty retreat before he can get dragged into this argument. “I gotta go because unlike Baekhyun, I actually have classes in the afternoon. Thanks for the lunch Baek, you’re the best. Hyung, my last class ends at 4:15 but I’ll be home late since, well, I’m helping Junmyeon hyung. So see you at home, I guess. Maybe we can order takeout to celebrate? Have a movie night or something? Just decide and let me know. I love you guys, see you at home. Bye!”   
  
And then Chanyeol bolts, speed walking away from the table, waving at Yifan and Baekhyun with a huge grin on his face as he goes, dashing out of the door and onto the sidewalk.

 

 

Having lunch with Yifan and Baekhyun does manage to brighten Chanyeol's mood a little and he makes it through the rest of his classes without sulking too much or snapping at any of the other students. Once his last class ends, he packs his stuff into his bag and rushes across campus towards the main building, making his way up to the second floor where the library is. He bounds in with way too much enthusiasm, unintentionally making too much noise. The librarian, Mr. Zhang, a kindly man in his mid-thirties, just smiles at Chanyeol as he enters, waving him over to the back where he supposes Junmyeon is. Chanyeol bows hastily, offering him an apologetic smile before dashing off to find Junmyeon. He isn’t really worried about being too loud, at least not today, because it’s just the first day; there’s practically no one here right now. On other days though he does remember to keep the noise down to a minimum because he can’t go around abusing Mr. Zhang’s kindness and have the other students accusing the librarian of favouritism. 

“Hyung,” Chanyeol calls out, waving excitedly once he spots Junmyeon looking through a pile of books, the sleeves of his lime-green button up shirt pushed up his forearms and his black jeans sporting patches of dust. Chanyeol winces when his voice echoes loudly; startling Junmyeon so much that he drops the book he was holding and looks up at Chanyeol, wide-eyed. “Sorry.”  
  
“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon relaxes, smiling brightly at him. He wipes his dusty hands on his jeans before pulling Chanyeol into a tight hug the moment he steps close enough. Chanyeol happily squeezes Junmyeon in his arms until he wheezes and whacks him on the chest, pushing himself away from Chanyeol to glare at him while Chanyeol doubles over laughing. 

“I missed you hyung,” Chanyeol says, reaching forward to grab him once again only to have his arms slapped away. Junmyeon lifts his hand as if threatening to smack him again but ends up laughing along as well, eyes disappearing into tiny crescents as his cheeks puff up.   
  
“I missed you too, Chanyeol,” he says softly, bending down to pick up the book he dropped, his dark hair falling into his eyes a little. Chanyeol places his bag on top of one of the nearby tables before he walks back over to where Junmyeon is standing in front of all the books piled up on the floor.   
  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk much earlier,” Junmyeon gives him an apologetic smile, pushing his hair away from his face. “How's everyone at home? How's Yifan? I haven't seen him around today.”   
  
“Hm, Mom and Dad are doing okay, I guess,” Chanyeol shrugs, eyeing the dusty pile of books warily. “Busy with the restaurant and stuff. Hyung is okay too. He's still pining after Baek.” 

“That's nothing new,” Junmyeon chuckles, “although I kind of expected them to get together by now.”   
  
“Yeah,” Chanyeol scoffs, “I don't think that'll happen anytime soon 'cause hyung won't say anything and neither will Baekhyun. I offered my matchmaking services but hyung strictly asked me not to interfere, so…” 

“It's probably for the best if they figure this out on their own,” Junmyeon shrugs and pats Chanyeol's arm, looking sympathetic. “Anyways, since you're here, let's not waste time and get to work. The sooner we're done the sooner we can leave. I already feel bad that you're stuck helping me when you could literally be doing anything else.”   
  
“Hyung, I offered to help, remember? It's all cool, don't worry. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Chanyeol says before he squeezes Junmyeon in his arms once again. Junmyeon squawks indignantly, pinches his side until he lets go and Chanyeol pouts as he rubs the sore spot. Junmyeon threatens to hit Chanyeol if he hugs him again, and Chanyeol knows he doesn’t really mean it but he says sorry and promises that he won’t. He listens quietly as Junmyeon explains; tells him that they have to sort through the pile, figure out which books belong to which section and then place them back in their correct shelves because apparently the freshmen who worked at the library during the summer semester mixed everything up. It’s definitely a lot of work, especially for Chanyeol, who is doing something like this for the first time, but he doesn’t really mind. He likes spending time here in the library anyway; the serene atmosphere is something that helps him a lot when he’s struggling to pen down lyrics or memorize his notes.   
  
They get to work immediately – sorting, separating and grumbling (“ _Fuck those illiterate fucking freshmen_ ,” Junmyeon grumbles, making Chanyeol laugh) as they walk around the library, placing the books back in their correct shelves under the watchful eyes of Mr. Zhang, who supervises them to make sure nothing goes wrong. Chanyeol whistles to himself as he works, occasionally teasing Junmyeon and taking breaks in between shelving books to text his brother. Things are going smoothly until Chanyeol notices that Junmyeon is much quieter than usual, working diligently with a frown etched onto his face. He looks stressed, which is saying something because Junmyeon always looks stressed, no doubt because of his student council duties, but seeing him like this worries Chanyeol a little. It’s just the first day; no one should look this troubled on their first day back at school.   
  
“Hey hyung,” Chanyeol calls as he approaches Junmyeon, “you okay?”   
  
Junmyeon hums, puts a few books back into their correct slots and then walks past Chanyeol to pick up another book. “I’m okay, Yeol,” he assures as he reads the serial number on the book, mumbling to himself as he goes. “Why?”   
  
“You look like you’re freaking out and all we’re doing is shelving some books,” Chanyeol points out. Junmyeon turns to look at Chanyeol with a smile, shaking his head as if to tell Chanyeol not to worry. 

“I am not freaking out about the books that’s for sure,” he rolls his eyes, putting another book back where it’s supposed to be. “But don't worry about it.”

He turns to go grab another book but Chanyeol stops him by placing both his hands on his shoulders. Junmyeon frowns at him and attempts to wriggle out of Chanyeol’s grip but Chanyeol just holds on tighter.   
  
“Tell me what's bothering you,” Chanyeol presses, “talking about a problem always helps. Or at least that’s what Yifan hyung tells me anyways.”   
  
“I’ll bet,” Junmyeon laughs. He rubs his palms against his jeans, looking uncertain, and then pushes Chanyeol away to take a seat at one of the tables, sighing as he does so. Chanyeol follows him, sitting down on the floor near Junmyeon’s feet and leaning his head against the table. Junmyeon pulls Chanyeol’s cap off his head in an attempt to make him get up off the floor but Chanyeol doesn’t budge so he gives up, throwing Chanyeol’s snap-back into his lap. Chanyeol looks up at him expectantly, waiting.   
  
Junmyeon laughs after a few seconds of silent staring. “What do you want me to say, Yeol?”   
  
“Just talk about what’s upsetting you,” Chanyeol shrugs, running his finger through his hair, messing it up a bit. Junmyeon sighs and reaches forward, running his right hand through Chanyeol’s hair, setting the unruly strands as much as he can.   
  
“There’s a new student, freshman,” Junmyeon says finally, fingers combing through Chanyeol’s dyed blond hair. “He suffers from selective mutism and the entire student council has been freaking out because we’ve been asked by the Dean to see to it that all his professors are aware of his condition and that no one ill-treats him or anything. It’s been crazy because not everybody is willing to accept the severity of his condition.  _Assholes_.”   
  
“Selective mutism? He’s mute?” Chanyeol frowns at Junmyeon, tilting his head in confusion, having never heard of this before. “Can’t he just sign or something? The university does have aids for differently abled kids, don’t they?”   
  
Junmyeon yanks his hair in response and Chanyeol whines.   
  
“Mutism and selective mutism are two completely different things, Chanyeol,” he glares at him. “People who are mute cannot use their voice to communicate at all, hence, they use sign language, which for them is equivalent to speaking. People suffering from selective mutism can speak, like, their vocal cords function normally and stuff, no problem there whatsoever, but they can only do so with select people and in certain situations where they feel comfortable enough to do so. Sign language is just another way of speaking, so you can see why it won’t help in this situation, right?”   
  
Chanyeol takes a few seconds to process all that. “I don’t understand,” he says honestly. Junmyeon sighs, looking tired.   
  
“That’s the problem,” he says, his fingers combing through Chanyeol’s hair again. Chanyeol gets the feeling that Junmyeon’s not just talking about Chanyeol’s ignorance anymore. “No one understands.”   
  
“Selective mutism is a childhood anxiety disorder,” Junmyeon explains. “A kid can be perfectly normal at home, noisy and stuff, chattering away non-stop, but send them to school and they don’t speak more than one word, or ask them to go say hi to relatives that they aren’t that familiar with and they’ll just shut down. They won’t talk even if they’re forced to, even if they’re yelled at or made fun of, nothing. This often gets misunderstood for shyness and I guess that’s where the problem lies. See, a lot of kids are shy at school or around new faces, right?”   
  
Chanyeol nods slowly. 

“Exactly, that’s why it’s brushed off so often, like, ‘ _Oh it’s okay, this kid’s just shy, they’ll open up eventually_ ’, but it’s not the same for everyone. Selectively mute kids almost always suffer from social anxiety and staying silent is sort of like an involuntary defense mechanism for them; if they’re scared or uncomfortable they will stay silent even if they are forced to communicate, no matter what the consequences. Over time though, with proper medication and counseling, kids that suffer from this can get better, they _do_ get better, but the problem lies with the fact that not many people know what selective mutism is. If a kid isn’t properly diagnosed, then they can’t get the proper treatment. What’s worse than getting some half-assed treatment though, is if parents don’t recognize the symptoms at all.”   
  
“What happens if they don’t?” Chanyeol asks.   
  
“There are probably a lot of psychological terms I could use to explain this but, to put it simply, the kid suffers,” Junmyeon frowns, his fingers stilling in Chanyeol’s hair. “See, selective mutism is self-enforcing; it gets worse the older the child grows until staying silent starts becoming a habit for them. Treatment also becomes more difficult with age because by then, well, the child gets accustomed to staying silent. In fact it gets so bad that the affected person can’t communicate even if they want to, and the harder they try, the more the end up hurting themselves.”   
  
“That must be so difficult to deal with,” Chanyeol can’t even imagine just how difficult it must be. He suddenly feels like a jerk for being so insensitive earlier.   
  
“It is,” Junmyeon agrees. “You know, my hyung suffered from this too?”  
  
“Really?” Chanyeol asks, surprised. He knows Junmyeon's brother, has even met him once, and he never would've guessed that he had trouble speaking to people when he was younger because Junmyeon's hyung was polite but still a chatterbox.   
  
“Yeah,” Junmyeon gives him a forced smile. “That’s how I know so much about this. We were lucky though because my mom specialized in child psychology so she kind of had an idea that something was wrong. Hyung’s teachers would complain about how he didn’t speak at all in class even when prompted, or how he didn’t play with any of the other kids, which was surprising because at home he was so noisy my mom had to constantly ask him to be quiet. My dad thought that it was normal, that maybe hyung just needed time to get used to the new environment, but my mom knew that it wasn’t just that so she took him to a specialist. It was really difficult for my hyung; all the medication and the counseling, but he got better eventually, after years of treatment.”   
  
“So he’s okay now? He doesn’t have any trouble speaking anymore, right?”   
  
“Yeah, he's been doing okay since he turned nine,” Junmyeon says. “It’s just a shame that this isn’t something all parents are aware of. Kyungsoo’s nineteen and he’s suffering from selective mutism, I can’t even imagine what he must be going through.”   
  
Chanyeol hums in agreement before he catches on. “Who’s Kyungsoo?” He asks, thoroughly confused because he’s never heard that name before.   
  
“Oh right,” Junmyeon says, “he’s the new kid, the one we’re talking about.”   
  
“Ah, okay,” Chanyeol nods in understanding. It takes a while for Junmyeon’s words to register but when they do, Chanyeol frowns and sits up straight, Junmyeon’s fingers slipping from his hair. It’s a lot of new information for him and it’s not exactly a pleasant topic to discuss; back when he was in middle school, Chanyeol himself used to suffer from social anxiety so he knows how difficult that can be, but according to everything Junmyeon just told him, he’s pretty sure that this Kyungsoo kid is dealing with something far more debilitating than what Chanyeol had to deal with. He doesn’t really want to compare his situation with Kyungsoo’s because he knows that mental illnesses vary in cause and severity from person to person and therefore no two people share the same experiences – similar maybe, but not the same – but at the same time, this is the only way in which he can really follow what Junmyeon is trying to explain to him, the only way in which he can empathize with Kyungsoo. “ _Selective mutism gets worse with age_ ” Junmyeon had said, and “ _he’s nineteen_ ”. Chanyeol agrees with Junmyeon; he can’t even imagine what Kyungsoo must be going through.   
  
“Is he, you know, undergoing treatment and stuff to get better?” Chanyeol asks because surely there must be a way for Kyungsoo to get better, there must be people helping him.   
  
“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon sighs, “selective mutism isn’t the only thing he suffers from anymore. Like I said: the older the kid grows, the worse this disorder becomes – so being unable to speak as freely as he may want to is not Kyungsoo’s only worry now. He has co-morbid anxiety and depressive disorders as well. ” 

“Co-morbid? Like anxiety  _and_ depression?”   
  
“Yeah. Apart from being diagnosed with selective mutism when he was fifteen, he was also diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression. He also has a panic disorder,” Junmyeon sighs as he looks down at his hands and Chanyeol can tell he is more than a little upset. Junmyeon's hyung had dealt with something similar after all, maybe not to the same extent as Kyungsoo, but judging by the way Junmyeon spoke about it, it must have been difficult on their family nonetheless.   
  
“Kyungsoo is undergoing treatment obviously but with all of the disorders he has, I don’t think just popping a few pills will magically help him get better in a year or two. It’s going to take a lot of time,” Junmyeon runs his hands through his hair before fixing his tired gaze on Chanyeol. “His disorder is so severe now that can’t even communicate non-verbally. I mean, I met him and his family during orientation and I greeted him obviously, but he just stood there and stared at me; he didn’t wave, didn’t bow, no physical response whatsoever. That’s why Kyungsoo’s parents requested for people to avoid communicating with him, verbally or non-verbally, because it just upsets him further. Instead, they requested that all of his professors communicate with him indirectly, like via email or text messages and stuff, or even through his friend because that helps him.”   
  
“I doubt it’s going to be that easy though,” Chanyeol says, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in his own chest.  _How can one person possibly deal with so much?_  
  
“Oh it’s not,” Junmyeon laughs humorlessly. “His parents said that they even tried to convince him to skip college because they know it’s going to be difficult for him but he was adamant because he doesn’t want anything holding him back. He wants to live normally as much as he can.”   
  
“That’s a good thing though, isn’t it?” Chanyeol asks, leaning forward to rest his chin on Junmyeon’s knee. “Shouldn’t his parents be happy that he’s actively trying to get better in spite of everything?”   
  
“In a way I guess that they are,” Junmyeon shrugs, “but they feel guilty because they already blame themselves for everything; they feel like it’s because of them, because they weren’t attentive enough, that their son is suffering. So they’re scared that if they allow him to do this and if he gets worse instead of better, then that’ll just be something else that’s their fault. The only reason they’re even agreeing is because Kyungsoo’s therapist managed to convince them to let him do this, and also because of his best friend, Jongdae.”   
  
“Another freshman?” Chanyeol asks. He stands up because his ass is growing numb from sitting on the floor for so long and he leans against the table instead. He fixes his cap back onto his head and looks down at Junmyeon.   
  
“Yeah,” Junmyeon nods. “According to Kyungsoo’s parents, Jongdae is the only other person Kyungsoo actually talks to apart from the both of them and his older brother.”   
  
“He really doesn’t talk to anyone else?” Chanyeol asks, dumbfounded. “Just his family and this friend of his?”

“His disorder really is that bad,” Junmyeon shoulders slump. He is the only person, apart from his immediate family, that Kyungsoo really feels comfortable around, I guess.”

“But how come he talks to Jongdae?” Chanyeol asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “Shouldn't he not be able to do that?”

“He can speak to people who he is comfortable with, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon gives him a baleful look and Chanyeol shrugs helplessly, apologetic.  
  
“Jongdae met Kyungsoo when they were both seven,” Junmyeon says. “Kyungsoo’s parents had changed his school because they thought that a new environment would help him somehow. Jongdae was in the year above Kyungsoo because Kyungsoo had to repeat second grade but somehow they became friends and they’ve been inseparable ever since. It was Jongdae who first noticed that Kyungsoo seemed to be having a problem of some kind and he spoke to his parents about it. Then they went over and spoke to Kyungsoo's parents and eventually they took him to a specialist. You know he also took a gap year so that Kyungsoo and he could start college at the same time?”

“Wow,” Chanyeol says, amazed. “I don't think I could ever be that selfless. I can't see anyone doing something like that for me either.”

Junmyeon smiles. “They've known each other for years, Yeol. Jongdae has probably been with Kyungsoo at his lowest and has seen him at his worst. It's understandable that he wasn't going to leave him alone.”  
  
Chanyeol is happy that at least Kyungsoo has someone like Jongdae, someone who cares about him so much.

“Jongdae’s a music major like you by the way,” Junmyeon informs him. “Maybe you’ll run into each other.”

“Maybe,” Chanyeol shrugs before he immediately blanches. “Is Kyungsoo a music major too?” He asks, worried.

Junmyeon laughs at his horrified expression.

“No, of course not,” he shakes his head, rolling his eyes at Chanyeol and making him feel a little stupid. “He’s a fine arts major, wants to be an artist like his dad apparently. I guess his course is well suited for him though because the whole indirect communication thing can work better for him this way. Or well, in theory at least, everything else just depends on the cooperation of his professors.”

Chanyeol hums, thoughtful. “Let's hope all of them aren't complete assholes then.”

“I hope not,” Junmyeon purses his lips, expression falling slightly before he runs a hand through his hair and stands up.

“Anyways, Yeol, thanks for listening to me,” he squeezes Chanyeol's arm gratefully, “but we should probably get back to work now. The library will be closing soon.”

Chanyeol groans, stretching his hands over his head and letting Junmyeon tug him by his shirt back to the pile of books.

 

 

 

Later in the evening, when Chanyeol walks into the apartment he shares with his brother and his best friend he's greeted by the peculiar sight of Baekhyun straddling Yifan on the couch. He stands frozen in the entryway for a few seconds, staring, perplexed, at the two of them; Baekhyun is red in the face, lips pulled into a thin line as he glares at Yifan, trying his best to pry the TV remote out of his hands. Chanyeol can’t see Yifan’s face but he can bet that his brother looks equally pissed as he holds onto the remote with both of his large hands.

They’re so engrossed in tugging the remote back and forth that they don’t even notice Chanyeol standing there, don’t even look his way when he shuts the main door behind him.

Chanyeol sighs as he toes off his shoes in the entryway, silently thanking every single God there is that he didn’t walk in on something more inappropriate.

“No fucking on the couch please,” he calls out, deadpan, as he walks into the apartment and makes his way towards the kitchen to get a drink of water. Baekhyun squeaks in surprise and moments later Chanyeol hears a thud, followed by a pained groan and then Baekhyun’s voice as he yells out a victorious _“Ah-ha!”_

Chanyeol opens up the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water and suppresses a smile when he hears the couch springs squeaking and heavy footsteps padding into the kitchen. He opens up the bottle, ignoring his brother as he walks up to him, and sips the cold water nonchalantly, sighing in satisfaction as he quenches his thirst. Yifan’s flicks him on his ear and Chanyeol turns to face him completely, cocking an eyebrow as he continues to gulp down the water noisily because he knows how much it annoys his brother. Yifan glares at him and flicks him on his other ear.

“Why would you say something like that, you jerk?” He demands angrily, whispering so that his voice doesn’t carry over to the living room where Baekhyun is sprawled across the couch, watching reruns of _Modern Family_. Chanyeol shrugs, pulling the bottle, now almost empty, away from his lips before screwing the cap closed and putting it back into the refrigerator. Yifan grimaces and Chanyeol can’t help smirking at him. “Also, how many times have I told you _not_ to put your mouth to the goddamn bottles? Use a glass you uncultured swine!”

“Hyung _please_ , you sound like mom,” Chanyeol rolls his eyes, leaning against the refrigerator. “And by the way, that is my number one rule. No fucking on the couch or the kitchen or the bathroom. Or anywhere I can see or hear the two of you because I do not, under any circumstances, want to bear witness to you and Baek doing the do,” Chanyeol says in mock seriousness, wagging a finger in front of his brother’s flushed face. “I would never be able to recover from something as horrifying as that.”

“That is never going to happen asshole,” Yifan grumbles, slapping Chanyeol’s hand away.

“And whose fault is that, hyung? You’ve been pinning after him for over a year now and yet, like a wimp, you refuse to tell him how you feel,” Chanyeol accuses, nearly tripping over his own feet and falling onto his ass when Yifan nudges him away from the refrigerator so that he can open it. He pulls out the nearly empty bottle Chanyeol just put back in there; walking over to the sink to refill it and Chanyeol can’t help but roll his eyes at his brother’s back. He hops up onto the counter.

“It’s not as simple as that, Yeol,” Yifan says softly, shoulders slumping, fingers toying with the cap on the bottle. Chanyeol frowns. “I didn’t say anything last year ‘cause I wasn’t sure, not just about his feelings but also about my own. And now, well–”

Yifan trails off with a sigh and Chanyeol waits for him to continue but he doesn’t. Instead, he opens up the tap, rinsing out the bottle thoroughly before filling it up. He avoids meeting Chanyeol gaze as he puts the filled bottle back into the refrigerator, kicking the door shut.

“' _And now_  ' what?” Chanyeol prompts, crossing his arms over his chest, startling a little when Baekhyun’s loud laughter rings through the apartment. Yifan sighs again and runs a hand through his hair, chewing on his bottom lip. He looks worried, _upset_ , and that in turn makes Chanyeol sad. He scoots over on the counter and pats the empty space beside him. Yifan gives him a small smile but obliges, hopping onto the counter beside Chanyeol and huffing a little when Chanyeol bumps shoulders with him in an attempt to try and comfort his brother.

They sit in silence for a few seconds, staring at the cabinets in front of them, before Yifan speaks up again.

“This is my last year,” he says softly and Chanyeol turns to look at him with what he hopes is a neutral expression, ignoring the way his heart lurches painfully at that particular reminder. “You and I both know that I’m moving to the U.K to get my masters. So I don’t think it would be fair to just get into a relationship with him only for me to leave and move away to another country afterwards. Baekhyun’s a great guy and he deserves the _world_. He deserves so much better than me, he deserves someone who isn’t going to run away to another country, someone who can be there for him all the time. He deserves someone who will take him out on dates, and buy him flowers, and hold his hand and kiss and cuddle him whenever he wants. He needs someone who can and will be around to cheer him up when he’s feeling low or even just to constantly remind him how amazing he is.”

Yifan smiles sadly, unconsciously leaning closer to Chanyeol as he lowers his gaze onto the tiled floor. Chanyeol frowns deeply and throws and arm over his brother’s shoulder to pull him closer, curling his fingers into Yifan’s faded blue t-shirt. The thought of Yifan leaving him behind for a year or two is something that bothers Chanyeol more than he’d like to admit and he still isn’t okay with it, even if he pretends to be sometimes for Yifan’s sake, because he knows that he’s going to be completely lost without his older brother – the only constant companion he’s had throughout his life, especially during his difficult middle school years. He’s definitely going to miss his brother, even just thinking about him leaving hurts more than he can imagine, but he can’t ask him to stay – not any more than he already has – because then he would just be asking Yifan to compromise on his future and Chanyeol would never, _could never_ , be that selfish. So, despite wanting, more than anything, to ask Yifan to stay, Chanyeol bites his tongue and focuses on a safer topic for now; his brother and Baekhyun.

“I understand what you’re trying to say hyung,” Chanyeol says, keeping his gaze fixed on Yifan, “but shouldn’t Baek have a say in this too? Shouldn’t you at least talk to him about this first?”

Yifan purses his lips, eyebrows furrowing as he presses his toes into the cold tiles of the kitchen floor, looking like he’s actually considering Chanyeol’s words.

“I don’t wa–”

“Hey!” Yifan’s words are cut off by Baekhyun’s loud yell and Chanyeol and he both jump a little, whipping their heads around to stare at Baekhyun with wide eyes as he leans against the doorjamb. Baekhyun pouts at them, unaware of the serious conversation that he just interrupted, and crosses his arms over his chest.

“What the hell, Baek?” Chanyeol grumbles as he moves his hand away from his brother’s shoulder, clutching at his chest instead. Yifan slides off the counter and turns to face Baekhyun properly, glaring at him as he shakes his head in disapproval.

“What?” Baekhyun asks, upset, his eyes flicking from Chanyeol to Yifan and then back to Chanyeol again. “I just wanted to know if you guys were going to order dinner or not. I’m hungry and you promised that we were going to order takeout, Yeol.”

“You didn’t have to just barge in, then,” Yifan says, grabbing the few flyers that they keep pinned on the refrigerator. Chanyeol makes a noise of protest.

“No! Hyung, I want pizza!” Chanyeol whines, snatching the flyers out of Yifan’s hands, startling him in the process. Baekhyun bounces on his feet, excited.

“Yes!” he exclaims. “Pizza!”

Yifan makes a face but doesn’t protest; he just throws his hands up in the air and grumbles under his breath. Chanyeol winks, flashing Yifan a toothy grin as he reaches into the left pocket of his jeans to pull out his phone.

“Oh,” Baekhyun says suddenly, as if just remembering something. “How did things go with Junmyeon hyung?” He asks, sounding genuinely curious as he steps fully into the kitchen to lean on the counter, facing Chanyeol. Chanyeol looks from where he was typing the number for Domino’s into his phone, scrunching up the flyer he’s holding in his other hand. He frowns in confusion.

“I thought I told you I was helping him at the library,” he shrugs, “we just sorted through books and stuff. Hyung’s pretty stressed out about this freshman, Kyungsoo. He suffers from selective mutism so hyung and the rest of the student council are racking their brains on the best way to help him settle in here.”

Chanyeol thinks back to the long conversation he had with Junmyeon just a few hours ago and how worried the older boy had looked as he spoke of this Kyungsoo person, which was understandable because Junmyeon knew what Kyungsoo was suffering through and how difficult it might be for him. What Chanyeol can’t understand however is why his own chest feels so heavy every time he thinks about how this new kid is suffering but is still trying his hardest to get better. It makes no sense because Chanyeol doesn’t even know the guy apart from his name and the general information that Junmyeon shared about him.

“That’s going to be really difficult,” Yifan says, looking worried himself. “I read that it’s mostly kids that suffer from selective mutism and that with proper treatment they eventually get better and start communicating properly. I didn’t know it affected older kids as well?”

“Junmyeon hyung said that it normally doesn’t,” Chanyeol says, placing his phone and the flyer down onto the counter and turning to face his brother, “but he also said that selective mutism is not something every parent knows about. This guy’s parents didn’t know about it as well, which is why he grew up that way. He was only diagnosed when he was fifteen and apparently it’s much more difficult to treat the older you are.”

“Man,” Yifan winces, nibbling on his bottom lip, “he must really have it bad.”

“He does,” Chanyeol agrees. Suffering from social anxiety was bad enough for Chanyeol, he can’t even imagine what it must be like for Kyungsoo. “He only speaks to his immediate family and his best friend, Jongdae, who enrolled along with him. He can’t communicate non-verbally, but Junmyeon hyung said that he can communicate indirectly, like through text messages and emails and stuff, so that’s how they plan to ask his professors to communicate with him instead of just forcing him to talk or whatever.”

“That could work best for him,” Yifan nods. “If he was just mute, the university would have assigned an aid to him but he’s selectively mute so that won’t really work in his case.”

“What’s selective mutism?” Baekhyun asks, drawing Chanyeol’s and Yifan’s attention to him. Chanyeol had almost forgotten that he was even there. He sighs, thinking of a way to explain things to Baekhyun without using too many words; he doesn’t have the energy to discuss such a heavy topic in too much detail, not again.

“It’s an anxiety disorder,” Chanyeol explains, choosing his words carefully, “where a person speaks only to a select few people that they feel comfortable with and remains mute the rest of the time. If they’re anxious or uncomfortable in a situation, they won’t speak at all, no matter what. Sometimes they can’t speak even if they want to.”

Baekhyun scrunches up his nose, tilting his head to the side as he stares at Chanyeol.

“How do you know they aren’t just pretending to be mute then?” he asks. Chanyeol can tell by his tone that he means no harm but he still scowls at Baekhyun. Yifan tenses up, mirroring Chanyeol’s expression.

“Seriously Baekhyun,” Yifan says, voice low and offended, “I love you and everything but sometimes you can be a real asshole.” Baekhyun straightens up, his expression falling.

“What did I do?” he asks, sounding almost scared as he looks at Chanyeol, avoiding Yifan’s gaze. Chanyeol is a little offended (maybe more than a little offended because he can’t even bring himself to tease his brother for saying _‘I love you’_ to Baekhyun so casually and out of nowhere) but he knows Baek says things sometimes without actually meaning to or without thinking first. That’s actually how they became friends; Baekhyun had come up to Chanyeol after freshman orientation and simply said _“I like you. You’re cool. Let’s be friends”_ and Chanyeol had agreed despite not knowing what exactly he did to warrant such a reaction. They’ve been inseparable ever since, and Chanyeol considers Baekhyun his best friend, his closest friend, so he thinks that it’s his duty as a best friend to try and tell Baekhyun what he said that was wrong instead of just getting mad at him for it. People can be unintentionally insensitive when dealing with issues or topics that they are ignorant about after all (just like Chanyeol himself was earlier in the evening).

Chanyeol opens his mouth to speak but before he can even say anything, his brother beats him to it.

“Baekhyun,” Yifan sighs, looking angry and hurt at the same time. “Selective mutism is just as real and _just_ as devastating as any other mental illness. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. A person with depression doesn’t _pretend_ to be depressed, does he? So in the same way a person suffering from selective mutism doesn’t pretend to be mute. They _can’t_ speak if they aren’t comfortable enough in a situation. They can’t even speak if they want to sometimes, can’t communicate using sign language or gestures even. I don’t know about you but I don’t think anyone would _pretend_ to such an extent that they end up hurting themselves in the process. Mental illnesses are serious issues Baek and people actually suffer a lot because of them, you treating it as a joke is just plain offensive.”

Baekhyun blinks rapidly, looking extremely guilty as he stares at Yifan. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes, his cheeks flushed in shame. “I didn’t mean it lik– I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine, Baek,” Chanyeol smiles and hopes it comes off as reassuring. This topic is something that hits a little too close to home and Yifan has always been more sensitive about it than Chanyeol, even if it was Chanyeol himself that had to undergo therapy to cure his Social Anxiety and not Yifan. It’s also one of the main reasons that Yifan decided to study Psychology in the first place; to try and better understand what people were going through and help them recover from it and help them get better. It was his way of compensating, his way of dealing with the guilt and helplessness of not knowing how to help his little brother when he was suffering.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says again, looking at Yifan with wide eyes and trembling lips. Chanyeol turns to look at his brother as well, smacking him on the arm when he takes a little too long to reply.

“It’s okay,” Yifan says eventually, shoulders slumping. “As a psych student, I can be a little sensitive when it comes to such topics. Sorry I yelled at you.”

Chanyeol knows that isn’t the entire truth but he keeps his mouth shut.

“I deserved it,” Baekhyun mumbles, looking part relieved and part sheepish. “I shouldn’t have said that. I promise I’ll be more careful about what I say from now on.”

Chanyeol and Yifan scoff at the same time. Baekhyun pouts, “I’m serious!”

“Sure you are,” Chanyeol rolls his eyes, laughing a little. Baekhyun splutters, indignant, but before he can go on a rant, Yifan grabs him by the arm and pulls him out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

“Order that damn pizza, will you?” Yifan calls out over his shoulder. Chanyeol sighs but picks up his phone to comply.

It’s been a long day and he’s more than ready for it to end already.

 

 

*

 

 

Luckily, after having a not so good first day, the rest of Chanyeol's first week passes by rather quickly and without any further unpleasantness. He isn’t late to any of Professor Lee’s classes again so he doesn’t get kicked out of class (even though the old asshole still finds faults with anything Chanyeol says or does but that can't be helped he guesses), he goes to the library every day at around 4:30 to help Junmyeon and Mr. Zhang (Junmyeon insists that he doesn’t really have to help anymore but Chanyeol claims that he has nothing better to do anyways - which is a lie but Junmyeon doesn’t need to know that) and he also manages to tease the living daylights out of his brother and Baekhyun at any given chance (Yifan flicks him on the ear in retaliation and Baekhyun says nothing but blushes a bright shade of red). Chanyeol even succeeds in pushing the thought of his brother leaving to the back of his mind and buries his hurt under all the schoolwork that piles up on him because he’s too lazy to follow along in class, reminding him that he no longer is a freshman but a sophomore.

 

Just like the first week, the second week comes and goes quickly as well.

 

Chanyeol manages not to skip any classes and catches up with all the work that he missed out on - thanks to his brother watching over him like a hawk - while he was daydreaming in class. He has lunch at _Gastro_ with Yifan and Baekhyun whenever he can and his brother brings his lunch to him whenever his classes run late or he forgets to meet them at their usual place (it happens sometimes). Chanyeol keeps going to the library in the evenings even if there isn't really any work to do anymore; he just sits there and reads through his notes in silence, spends time chatting with Mr. Zhang when he isn't too busy or pens down random thoughts and meaningless words that sound like they'd make good lyrics someday if he ever gets the motivation to polish them up. He sees a lot of new faces in the music department, even befriends a few of the new kids, but he doesn't run into any freshman named Jongdae, so he almost forgets about him and Kyungsoo - _almost._ The thing that keeps him from forgetting is the fact that Baekhyun and Junmyeon are both Business majors (even though Baek is a sophomore like Chanyeol and Junmyeon is a junior) and Chanyeol has to suffer through Baek complaining everyday about how Junmyeon looks stressed and distracted and barely even speaks more than three sentences to him when they run into each other and he just knows why that is. Chanyeol himself doesn’t see Junmyeon for the entire week but they text regularly because Chanyeol worries about him. He never forgets to send Junmyeon a text asking him how he's doing and also asking him if Kyungsoo and Jongdae are doing okay, if they’re settling in well, because he knows that’s what Junmyeon is worried about. It feels weird asking about them because Chanyeol still doesn't know them - just knows their names and their majors and whatever else Junmyeon told him - but the main reason Chanyeol asks is because he wants Junmyeon to know that he doesn’t have to feel like he’s the only one who cares about them. He thinks it works though because Junmyeon always texts back with a “ _I’m okay Yeol, just tired_ :)” and a _“they're fine, thanks for asking”_ and Chanyeol spams Junmyeon with memes until the elder threatens to block his number.

 

Chanyeol is legitimately tired by the time the third week comes around. He even whines to his brother about how tired he is every single day until, by Thursday, Yifan has had enough and threatens to hide Chanyeol’s phone if he doesn’t stop. Chanyeol agrees but when he meets Baekhyun and Yifan for lunch that day, he just whines to his best friend instead. Baekhyun immediately starts whining with him and Yifan just resigns himself to his fate and eats the rest of his lunch in silence, glaring at Chanyeol whenever he can.

Chanyeol is dragging himself across campus lethargically, drowsy thanks to a heavy lunch, when he spots a familiar figure waiting by the entrance of the music department, scrolling through his phone absentmindedly. Chanyeol perks up immediately when he sees Junmyeon after more than a week, and he bounds over to him excitedly, nearly knocking another student over in his hurry to say hi to Junmyeon.

“Hey hyung,” he greets once he’s close enough, smiling at Junmyeon as he looks up at him, surprised. “Why are you here?”

Junmyeon looks much better than Baekhyun had been describing him and Chanyeol belatedly realizes that Baekhyun was just being dramatic, as per usual. He is happy though, to see Junmyeon again after a week so he feels a little hurt when Junmyeon doesn’t even smile back at him.

“You don’t own the place, Yeol,” he says airily, rolling his eyes as he pockets his phone. “I can come here whenever I want.”

Chanyeol pouts, feeling attacked for no reason, but then Junmyeon laughs at him and wraps a hand around his wrist, squeezing slightly. “I’m kidding,” he says, tugging on Chanyeol’s arm when he keeps pouting. “I’m waiting for Jongdae.”

Chanyeol frowns, worried, recognizing the name immediately. “Is everything okay? Did something happen?”

“Everything’s fine,” Junmyeon waves his concern away. He lets go of Chanyeol’s wrist and adjusts the hem of his navy blue sweater and Chanyeol subconsciously wonders if it’s just him that isn’t feeling the change in the weather yet; even his brother is bundling up before he leaves the apartment nowadays, scolding Chanyeol when he sees him wearing nothing over his band t-shirts.

“There’s just some problem with their accommodation that administration has yet to fix,” Junmyeon shrugs like it’s no big deal. “He called me to ask if I could maybe help or something so we’re gonna go take a look now.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol says. Junmyeon doesn’t look stressed so it might not be that big of a deal anyways. “What about lunch, have you eaten already?”

“I have, Yeol,” Junmyeon rolls his eyes again but there’s a smile on his face. “You know, you keep complaining about your hyung babying you all the time but what you don’t realize is that you literally do the same thing to everyone else.”

Chanyeol pouts again and turns around with a huff but Junmyeon grabs his arm before he can walk away. He isn’t offended but he just really likes messing around with Junmyeon.

“It’s not a bad thing, Yeol,” Junmyeon laughs, gripping onto the back of Chanyeol’s t-shirt whit his other hand when he starts struggling exaggeratedly. “I think it’s cute how caring you are.”

Chanyeol beams at that, turning around to pull a startled Junmyeon into a hug, ruffling his perfectly styled hair. Junmyeon voices his protests noisily and smacks his arm until he lets go. Chanyeol gives him the toothiest grin he can manage. Junmyeon glares at him as he fixes his hair, self-consciously looking around to see if anyone is watching the two of them.

“I always knew you loved me, hyung,” Chanyeol teases, poking Junmyeon’s cheeks. Junmyeon smacks his hand away. He gives Chanyeol a baleful look but says nothing. Chanyeol laughs and reaches for Junmyeon only to have the elder push him away.

“Ah, hyung, you’re so cute,” Chanyeol coos reaching forward with both hands to pinch Junmyeon’s cheeks as the elder continues to scowl at him.

“I hope I’m not interrupting something,” someone says from behind Chanyeol suddenly, startling him so bad that he yelps and turns around, stumbling into Junmyeon and nearly knocking him down.

“Chanyeol!” Junmyeon scolds, holding onto Chanyeol’s waist to steady him. He looks at the two people standing in front of them, one hiding slightly behind the other, and smiles. “Hi Jongdae. Kyungsoo,” he greets, smiling politely, and Chanyeol, who still has a hand clutching at his chest, tries not to let his eyes widen any more once he hears those names.

“Hi hyung,” Jongdae, or at least Chanyeol assumes he’s Jongdae, says, his eyes crinkling at the edges and lips curving up into a brilliant smile, the shape of them somehow reminding Chanyeol of a cheeky cat. His dark brown hair is a curly mess atop his head and he’s practically drowning in the grey hoodie he’s wearing and Chanyeol has to actively refrain from cooing because Jongdae looks so _tiny_ (well, almost everyone is tiny when compared to Chanyeol but that’s besides the point). He waves at Junmyeon cheerily before his eyes land on Chanyeol, who is still staring at him like an idiot. So much for first impressions.

“Sorry I scared you,” he says but doesn’t look like he means it, if anything he looks amused. “I’m Jongdae.”

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol says, clears his throat in an attempt to compose himself and gives Jongdae a weak smile. “I’m Chanyeol, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Jongdae’s smile widens. He gestures to the other boy behind him wearing a pink sweater and ripped black skinny jeans, his features hidden from immediate sight as he stares down at his vans. “This is Kyungsoo.”

Chanyeol hopes his smile doesn’t look as forced as it feels as he turns to look at Kyungsoo, trying his best to be as polite as possible without being offensive. What he doesn’t expect, at all, is to recognize the boy who is standing behind Jongdae, grip tight on the sleeve of his hoodie. He can’t see his features but he recognizes the black rimmed glasses, and the dyed brown hair - shaved short at the sides and left to grow out at the top - immediately and feels embarrassment colour his cheeks. He also feels extremely guilty because now he knows why, when he ran into Kyungsoo on the first day, he hadn’t acknowledged Chanyeol at all; it wasn't because he didn’t want to but because he most probably couldn’t. And Chanyeol had spent all this time calling him ‘ _the asshole kid_ ’ in his head, _God_. Suddenly, he can’t even be mad at this kid, _Kyungsoo_ , or blame him for getting kicked out of class because all he feels is self-loathing, for being so quick to judge Kyungsoo without possibly stopping to think about the reason behind his behaviour.

“Ah,” Chanyeol says intelligently, his voice cracking, “It’s nice to meet you. Again.”

Kyungsoo shuffles his feet but doesn’t look up and that’s all the acknowledgement that Chanyeol needs for now. Jongdae, however, purses his lips, tilting his head curiously as he looks from Chanyeol to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol can feel Junmyeon’s gaze on him as well.

“You two know each other?” Jongdae asks and Chanyeol visibly winces, shrinking his shoulders.

“Not really,” Chanyeol shrugs apologetically, “but I may or may not have tackled him to the floor a few weeks ago.”

The way Jongdae’s smile falls from his face is alarming. He looks at Chanyeol with wide eyes, completely horrified, and Chanyeol realizes he could have worded that better.

“I mean, I was late for class, so I was rushing and I didn’t see where I was going,” he explains, winces when Junmyeon sighs loudly. “I ran into him, without really meaning to.”

Jongdae is silent for a few seconds before he bursts out laughing.

“I’m still really sorry about what happened,” he says, looking at Kyungsoo this time, even if the latter is still keeping his gaze lowered. Chanyeol thinks that the tips of Kyungsoo’s ears look suspiciously red but that could just as well be his imagination. He decides not to dwell on it too much and turns to face Junmyeon when he pinches him.

“You should be more careful, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon chastises him but even he looks amused. Chanyeol pouts again.

“Junmyeon hyung told me you were clumsy,” Jongdae says once he calms down, although the smile still lingers on his face, “but I didn’t really believe him until now.”

Chanyeol looks at Junmyeon with furrowed brows. “You talk about me?” He asks, baffled but also flattered. Junmyeon shrugs.

“Oh he does,” Jongdae confirms, giggling. “All he talks about is how caring you are, how helpful and how talented as well. And also how amazing you were to help him when he was volunteering at the library even though you didn’t have to.”

Chanyeol suddenly feels embarrassed but he’s also strangely happy. He moves to give Junmyeon a hug but the elder pushes him away, scowling at him.

“See, now I know for sure that you love me hyung,” he wiggles his eyebrows at Junmyeon, smiling cheekily at him. Junmyeon cringes.

“I don’t,” he says deadpan and Jongdae and Chanyeol both giggle.

“So, you’re a music major as well, huh,” Jongdae says. Chanyeol nods proudly.

“I am,” he says, “you’ll probably see me around a lot. I’m kinda hard to miss.” Chanyeol gestures at his six-foot-tall self.

Jongdae laughs. “I guess so,” he says. Chanyeol’s gaze involuntarily moves over to Kyungsoo and his eyes widen when he finds Kyungsoo staring at him with his round eyes, expression stoic. He panics and makes a show of checking his wrist watch. Which in the end turns out to be for the best because he is going to be late for his next class if he doesn’t hurry. _God_ , it’s like no matter what he does he always ends up late for some class or another.

“Hey, hyung,” he turns to Junmyeon. “I have to go or I’ll be late to class.”

“Okay,” Junmyeon nods, giving him a smile which Chanyeol returns.

Chanyeol turns to Jongdae. “It was nice meeting you, Jongdae. I hope we can see each other again.”

“Definitely,” Jongdae agrees. “I’ll look for you if I need any help since Junmyeon hyung says you’re the best and I trust his judgment,” he jokes, eyes twinkling mischievously. Chanyeol laughs.

“Well, if you ever need me, I spend a lot of my free time in between classes at the recording studio on the third floor, helping Professor Kim, or you could find me at the library in the evenings,” he says sincerely. Jongdae gives him another one of his brilliant smiles. Chanyeol feels jittery because he can still feel Kyungsoo’s eyes on him but he avoids his gaze, without actually knowing why.

“Or you could just use your ears,” Junmyeon says suddenly. “Chanyeol is, like, the noisiest person around.”

“Ha ha. Very funny,” Chanyeol says dryly. Jongdae giggles again and Junmyeon smiles, proud. Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“Bye hyung,” he says, pulling Junmyeon into a side hug, squeezing him a little too tight in retaliation. He smiles at Jongdae before he waves at him. “See you around, Jongdae.”

Jongdae waves back enthusiastically.

“Bye Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says eventually, gaze meeting Kyungsoo’s. “It was nice meeting you.”

He waits for a second or two, holds Kyungsoo’s unwavering gaze as he waits for a response, but as Junmyeon had said, nothing comes. Kyungsoo stares at him blankly and Chanyeol doesn’t want to be one of those jerks that force him to reply or make him uncomfortable so he waves at all three of them once more before darting up the steps and into the building, his heart beating erratically in his chest.

 

*

 

Two days later Chanyeol  runs - figuratively speaking - into Jongdae again as he's making his way up the stairs to the second floor of the main building, headed to the library as usual.

“Hey, Jongdae,” he calls out, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up to him. Jongdae turns around, surprised, before he breaks into a smile once he recognizes Chanyeol.

“Hey Chanyeol,” he beams up at him. “Good to see you again.”

Chanyeol nods, falling into step beside Jongdae, adjusting the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

“Where are you headed?” he asks him.

“The library,” Jongdae says. “I'm supposed to meet Junmyeon hyung there before we both make our way over to the admin department.”

“Still the housing issue?” He asks and at Jongdae's surprised look he adds sheepishly, “Junmyeon hyung told me.”

“Ah,” Jongdae nods in understanding. “Yeah, it’s still the housing issue. It's been almost a month and they have yet to do something about it. We spoke to them two days ago and they said it would be resolved but… ”

“What happened?” Chanyeol asks, keeping his voice down as they walk through the open doors and into the library. Mr. Zhang is there and he smiles at Chanyeol when he sees him, waving. Chanyeol waves back with a smile of his own and then bows. He gestures for Jongdae to follow him.

“Ah well, me and Kyungsoo are rooming together, you know, in one of the student apartments towards the east,” he trails along behind Chanyeol. Chanyeol nods, he knows about the student housing because he himself is living in one of the apartments downtown, in the opposite direction of where Jongdae and Kyungsoo are probably staying.

“Yeah, so it's your classic two bedroom apartment meant for just the two of us but someone fucked up with the registration and now there's this other freshman staying with us until they can sort out everything and find a place for him to board. Until then, Kyungsoo and I are stuck sharing a room,” Jongdae sighs tiredly and takes a seat at one of the tables when Chanyeol gestures for him to do so. They can see Junmyeon from here but he looks busy so Chanyeol decides it's better if Jongdae just waits until Junmyeon is done instead of walking over and disturbing him.

“That must be difficult,” Chanyeol says as he takes a seat across Jongdae, putting his bag onto the table in front of him as opposed to Jongdae, who's thrown his bag down onto the floor beside his chair.

“It's mostly okay,” Jongdae shrugs. “I don't mind sharing a room with Kyungsoo and neither does he but we can't have someone else living with us.  _That_ is the main problem.”

Jongdae doesn't explain why but he doesn't have to, Chanyeol knows it's because of Kyungsoo. It must be really awkward and difficult for him to share his living space with a complete stranger, not being able to live freely in what is essentially supposed to be his own personal haven.

“Why isn't anybody doing anything?” Chanyeol asks, angry on Kyungsoo's and Jongdae's behalf. He takes his personal journal out from his bag along with a pen, putting them down onto the table before pushing his bag to the side.

“I have no idea,” Jongdae grumbles, running a hand through his already messy hair. “But enough about that. Let's talk about something else.”

“Sure,” Chanyeol agrees, smiling at Jongdae as he spins his pen on the table. “Like what?”

“Like,” Jongdae seems to thinks for a few seconds before he just shrugs. “What are you doing at the library?”

Chanyeol snorts. “I don't have afternoon classes on Saturdays,” he explains, “and I don't wanna go home just yet so here I am. I love hanging out here and Mr. Zhang is really cool too. He doesn't yell at me when I accidentally sing too loudly or drum on the tables.”

Jongdae laughs. “He does seem nice,” he agrees before narrowing his eyes at Chanyeol. “Why would you sing at the library though?”

“Oh, I come here most of the time to write down lyrics and stuff, you know, work on some songs,” he shrugs, tapping the tip of his pen against his journal. Jongdae looks surprised, eyes twinkling, lips curving up at the edges.

“Really?” he asks and then laughs as he thinks of something. “Do you do the whole cliche music major thing and carry a guitar or something around?”

“Oh I used to,” Chanyeol says, chuckling, “but ever since I got a new guitar for my birthday last year, I started leaving my old one at Professor Kim's office so I wouldn't have to carry it around all the time.”

“You really are everybody's golden boy, aren't you?” Jongdae teases, making Chanyeol blush.

“Ah, not really,” he says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, flipping his journal open and turning the pages randomly. “I guess most of my Professors just like me because I work really hard in class to keep my grades up.”

Jongdae hums, but he looks like he doesn't believe Chanyeol. Which is okay, because Chanyeol isn't sure himself why most people seem to like him so much.

“Well, whatever the reason, I'm jealous,” Jongdae pouts. “All of the professors have been hounding me since day one, especially that asshole, Lee. God, I hate him. I don't even know what his problem is!”

Chanyeol has to slap a hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter.

“Oh god,” he chuckles, “Professor Lee is literally the worst! He's like that with everybody, trust me, and it only gets worse as time wears on. I'm speaking from experience.”

“Great,” Jongdae throws his hands up in the air. “Musicology is difficult enough for me to understand but since it's being taught by this asshole professor who hates everyone but himself, it's going to be even harder for me to show any kind of interest in the subject.”

“It's not that bad,” Chanyeol shrugs. Jongdae gives him a blank stare. “I mean the subject, not the professor.”

“I don't like both,” Jongdae whines and Chanyeol chuckles.

“If it would help you, I have my notes from last year,” Chanyeol offers. “You can use them as a reference. I don't know, I made those notes with the help of Professor Kim, so maybe it'll be easier for you to understand. It definitely helped me a lot.”

“Dude, really?” Jongdae asks in disbelief, looking at Chanyeol wide eyed. “I'd sell my soul to you for those notes!”

“I’d much rather you don't sell anything,” Chanyeol smiles, amused. “How about I just hand them over to you first thing on Monday.”

“Yes!” Jongdae cheers, smiling gratefully at Chanyeol. “You know what, here, let me give you my number so that you can text me, or call, and let me know where and when to meet you.”

Chanyeol nods, handing his phone over to Jongdae for him to save his number on it. Jongdae saves his number and then calls his own phone from Chanyeol's so that he can have his number too. Chanyeol smiles at Jongdae's excitement as he takes his phone back. 

“You are my saviour, Chanyeol,” he says, as seriously as he can. Chanyeol tries his best to give him a bow; twirling his hand dramatically in the air before he bends his head forward, his dyed blonde hair falling forward messily. Jongdae giggles at his antics.

“Is that where you write your lyrics and stuff?” He asks after a few seconds of silence, pointing at Chanyeol's open journal. Chanyeol nods, self-conscious, but is relieved when Jongdae doesn't ask to read through his journal. He appreciates the fact that Jongdae isn't a nosy kind of person because Chanyeol just hates those.

“That's cool,” he smiles. “Is it for a project?”

“No it's just what I do sometimes, it helps me relax,” he shrugs. “It's like a hobby, I guess.”

Jongdae hums but says nothing else so Chanyeol flips over to a blank page and starts doodling, occasionally writing down a few words that stand out to him or a verse that suddenly floats through his mind. Jongdae doesn't seem to mind the silence and Chanyeol appreciates not being disturbed, even if he does try and fill the silence with small talk sometimes because he doesn't want to seem rude. Junmyeon comes over some time later, greeting Jongdae and then Chanyeol. He doesn't stay long, just talks to Chanyeol for a minute or so before leaving with Jongdae, the latter thanking Chanyeol for keeping him company as he rushes behind Junmyeon, promising to keep in touch now that he has his number.

Chanyeol smiles at them, waving at them as they disappear out the door, before he goes back to what he was doing. He stays at the library until two before he gets ready to leave, knowing that his brother and Baekhyun will most likely be home by now so he won't have to be alone. He packs his things, waving bye to Mr. Zhang as he goes.

 

 

When he gets back home, winded by the fifteen minute walk that Yifan insists is not a big deal, the first thing that he notices is that the apartment is strangely silent. The second, is his brother, sitting on the couch with his head thrown back, staring up at the ceiling. Chanyeol frowns, shutting the door behind him and kicking his shoes off in a hurry.

“Hyung,” he calls out, walking over to stand in front of Yifan. Yifan hums but doesn't look at him and Chanyeol's frown deepens, worry creasing his brows.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, concerned. “What happened?”

His brother sighs loudly but doesn't look at him.

“Can we talk about this later?” he asks. Chanyeol hesitates, but eventually he sighs and walks away, leaving his brother moping on the couch as he makes his way back to his room. Something definitely happened between his brother and Baekhyun, he's sure of it.

He opens the door to his room and isn't even surprised in the slightest to find Baekhyun curled up on his bed, staring blankly at the wall. Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol with red rimmed eyes when he enters the room and Chanyeol just sighs, shutting and locking the door behind him. Baekhyun scoots over on the bed, making place for him, and Chanyeol goes, lying down beside Baek and opening his arms to pull the other into his chest.

Chanyeol says nothing and neither does he ask, he knows that it isn't his place to try and interfere because Baekhyun and Yifan have to sort their problems out on their own. Chanyeol just cuddles his friend closer, running a hand through his hair and pretends not to hear Baek trying to muffle his sobs into the fabric of his t-shirt.

 

 

The majority of Chanyeol's Sunday is spent trying to cheer up Baekhyun and get Yifan to talk to him, which is much more difficult than it seems because Yifan is stubborn and Baekhyun is extremely upset. Chanyeol tries his best but eventually, sometime in the evening, he just gives up and locks himself in his room, playing games on his phone to pass the time.

On Monday, the first thing Chanyeol does is meet up with Jongdae to hand over his old musicology notes like he promised. They both have early classes so they don't really talk much but Jongdae thanks Chanyeol endlessly as he flips through his notes, before waving and running away to his class. Chanyeol tries and fails not to think about Kyungsoo and how he must be doing as he makes his way towards his own class. He ignores Yifan's texts throughout the day because he's angry at how childish his brother is acting so he feels like it's only fair for him to be childish too. He doesn't even meet up for lunch because he knows that Baek won't be there today and Chanyeol doesn't want to spend his free time trying to lecture his brother or listen to him try and justify his behaviour. Once Chanyeol's last class ends, he heads straight home, feeling more tired than usual. When he gets home, Baekhyun is watching TV but his brother is nowhere to be found, so Chanyeol greets Baek and locks himself in his room again, flopping down onto his bed.

 

 

Tuesday follows by in almost the same way, so does Wednesday and then Thursday. Chanyeol spends his Friday sulking through all of his classes hating the fact that without really meaning to Yifan and Baekhyun's fight has also suddenly become his fight. They're still avoiding each other and sometimes without really meaning too they manage to ghost Chanyeol as well, which is really fucking annoying. He's tried getting Yifan to talk to Baekhyun but for some reason he won't and Baekhyun, well, Chanyeol can't tell him anything anymore without being snapped at. Not for the first time this week, he wonders if maybe allowing Baekhyun to room with them was a bad idea.

Chanyeol's only respite comes in the form of his new friend Jongdae, who has somehow taken to tagging along with Chanyeol to the library every evening. They joke around mostly, but sometimes Chanyeol helps Jongdae with his work (he laughs every time Jongdae tries to bribe him for more of his notes from last year but ends up handing them over anyways) and other times Jongdae listens to Chanyeol complain about Professor Lee. Even Junmyeon joins them sometimes, sharing lame jokes that make Jongdae whine and Chanyeol cringe but he appreciates the distraction nonetheless.

Spending time with Jongdae is surprisingly fun; he's easygoing and extremely laid back and can be as loud or as quiet as Chanyeol needs him to be, which is something Chanyeol is grateful for. He doesn't have lunch with Chanyeol because he brings his own food (and Chanyeol assumes that he and Kyungsoo have lunch together so he wouldn't want to intrude anyways) whereas Chanyeol always eats at  _Gastro_ , mostly alone nowadays. He hangs out at the recording studio with Chanyeol on the few days that Professor Kim allows him to and texts Chanyeol non-stop in the evenings, which is good because it's a welcome distraction for Chanyeol who still has to lock himself in his room to avoid his sulking roommates. He even calls Chanyeol once to let him know that his housing issue is fixed, screeching over the phone in elation and Chanyeol only laughs, secretly relieved that Kyungsoo, and Jongdae himself of course, can be comfortable again.

Chanyeol hasn't met Kyungsoo again since the time he saw him last week and he tries his hardest not to ask Jongdae about him because that would just be weird, even if Jongdae knows that Junmyeon already told Chanyeol about him. He does want to ask though because there's so much he wants to know about him. Now that Chanyeol knows Jongdae, he wonders how Kyungsoo can get along with someone so noisy, or if he'd get along with Chanyeol as well because he and Jongdae are pretty similar in nature. He wants to see Kyungsoo again, he really does, but he figures it's best if he doesn't because he would hate making Kyungsoo uncomfortable in any way. They've only see each other twice after all and the first time was less than ideal. He may be a friend to Jongdae but he is still a stranger to Kyungsoo.

 

 

On Saturday, Chanyeol skips his classes to stage an intervention because he's had enough. He confronts Baek and Yifan in the morning, when they're both still half asleep, and tells them about why they should talk things out instead of just ignoring each other. When they don't seem to listen, Chanyeol goes in for the kill, making a show of being really upset that he's getting dragged into their fight and being ignored even if he's done nothing wrong. Yifan's guilt is immediate; he apologizes to Chanyeol and suggests that the three of them go out for lunch together and talk things through. Baekhyun takes some convincing but finally agrees and Chanyeol breathes a sigh of relief. Eventually though, he lets Baek and Yifan go out for lunch on their own because they are the ones that need to talk to each other and sort things through, not Chanyeol.

Chanyeol knows at once that things are okay again when Yifan and Baekhyun come back from lunch with smiles on their faces. Baekhyun looks happier than usual, he's positively beaming, and Chanyeol finds out why a moment later when he declares loudly than Yifan and he have decided to date,  _finally_. Chanyeol nearly cries as he hugs them both and then promptly excuses himself to call Junmyeon and break the news to him. Yifan explains to him later on that the fight had happened because Baekhyun had suggested going on a date and Yifan had shot him down rather rudely, but how over lunch today, Yifan had apologized and had explained himself and Baekhyun had forgiven him. He tells him that they spoke about few more things (Chanyeol doesn't ask him to specify) and eventually agreed to take things slow and decided not to let the future get in the way. Chanyeol agrees that they made the right choice and Yifan smiles at him, grateful.

Things fall into routine again, almost as if the past week never happened at all, and before long Chanyeol is having lunch together with Baekhyun and Yifan again on Monday, surprised because they don't seem any different now that they're actually dating. Which is a relief but also a little disappointing because how is Chanyeol supposed to tease them if all they do is bicker all the time.

 

As the first month of the semester ends Chanyeol finally starts feeling the chill enough to throw on a jacket before he leaves the house, much to Yifan's relief.

 

Jongdae texts him on Tuesday morning, asking if he's free to meet him at the library in the evening. Chanyeol agrees, of course he does, but what he doesn't expect is to walk into the library to find Jongdae waiting for him, seated at one of the tables with Kyungsoo beside him, going over his notes in silence.

“Hey, Yeol,” Jongdae waves at Chanyeol as he takes a seat opposite the two friends. Kyungsoo looks up at him and makes brief eye contact before going back to his notes. Chanyeol feels a little out of his depth because he was not prepared for this at all.

“Hey guys,” he says, glancing at the top of Kyungsoo's head before looking over at Jongdae with a smile. Some of Chanyeol's surprise/uneasiness must show on his face because Jongdae immediately turns serious.

“I hope it's okay that I brought Kyungsoo along,” he says, looking a little uncertainly at Chanyeol. “That's not a problem, is it?”

Chanyeol feels like an asshole when he notices how Kyungsoo's shoulders stiffen.

“Of course not,” he gives Jongdae what he hopes is a comforting smile. “Why would it be?”

Jongdae smiles at him, clearly happy with his answer before he pulls his books out of his bag and gets down to business.

“I need your help,” he says, pushing his music theory notes towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol smiles.

“Of course you do,” he rolls his eyes but is secretly happy that Jongdae trusts him enough to help.

Chanyeol spend the next hour or so going over Jongdae's music theory notes with him, stuttering slightly whenever he feels Kyungsoo's gaze lingering on him. He wants, so bad, to initiate some kind of conversation with the other boy, but he doesn't – he can't – because that would be one of the things that would make Kyungsoo uncomfortable; forced conversation.

“Alright,” Jongdae whines eventually, slumping back in his chair. “That's it. That's enough. My brain is saturated.”

Chanyeol laughs, running a hand through his hair. He’s about to say something to tease  Jongdae when Kyungsoo turns to Jongdae and whispers something to him, soft enough that Chanyeol can't make out his words but loud enough for Chanyeol to hear his voice, beautiful and deep, much deeper than Chanyeol could have imagined. Jongdae laughs and pushes his shoulder but all Chanyeol can focus on is Kyungsoo and his soft smile as he looks back at his notes, at the way he adjusts his glasses on the bridge of his nose, at the fact that Kyungsoo just spoke, maybe not to Chanyeol, but in his presence nonetheless.

He tries not to feel too giddy about it, but he fails, because if Kyungsoo was speaking in front of him maybe that meant that he was comfortable around Chanyeol. Or maybe it just meant that he was so comfortable around Jongdae that he didn't really care who else was around, which was the most likely explanation but the one that Chanyeol pushed to the back of his mind because Kyungsoo just spoke.

Luckily for him, neither Jongdae nor Kyungsoo notice his sudden silence or the way he's currently gawking at a still smiling Kyungsoo. His phone buzzes suddenly, and Chanyeol jumps a little, pulling it out of his pocket after tearing his gaze away from Kyungsoo. He's thankful for the distraction because he's sure that it would have been very embarrassing, not to mention awkward, if he was caught staring at Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol smiles when he reads Yifan's text, his brother complaining about him staying out so late without informing anyone. Chanyeol scoffs as he texts back, letting his brother know that he's at the library, studying with a few friends and will be home soon. He also reminds Yifan that he's not a child, just in case his brother forgot.

“You look happy,” Jongdae teases, wagging his eyebrows. “Who are you texting?”

Chanyeol shudders, disgusted. “My brother.”

“Oh shit,” Jongdae laughs. “Sorry. I thought you were texting your girlfriend or something.”

“If I had a boyfriend,” Chanyeol corrects gently, “I would have been texting him instead. But since I don't, I have to deal with my brother nagging at me all the time, even through text.”

Jongdae looks a little contrite. “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. I hate when people do that to me and I just can't believe I did the same thing to you.”

“That's okay,” Chanyeol says, shrugging. His eyes flick over to Kyungsoo, who isn't looking at him thank God, before landing on Jongdae again.

“Your brother must really care about you a lot,” Jongdae prompts, and Chanyeol takes the bait and changes the conversation to avoid the situation turning awkward.

“He does,” Chanyeol smiles. “You know he even takes care of all my expenses?”

“Really?” Jongdae asks, sounding a little jealous.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol nods. “I tried working part time last year, you know, to help with the rent and stuff but Yifan hyung made it into such a big issue that I had no choice but to quit.”

Chanyeol laughs, he had been angry at the time, furious actually, but he managed to get over it.

“I was mad 'cause I felt like he was stopping me from being independent, but my hyung's explanation was that he just wants me to focus on my studies without having to worry about anything else. Mom and Dad backed him up on that so I really had no choice but to follow along. I guess hyung just wants to do as much as he can for me before he leaves.”

“I wish I had a brother like that,” Jongdae sighs wistfully. “He’s graduating this year isn't he? Junmyeon hyung told me,” he adds as an explanation.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol smiles sadly, “but it's not just that. Hyung is moving to Liverpool once he graduates and he's going to be there for a year or two while he completes his master's.”

“It's going to be difficult without him, isn't it?” Jongdae asks, sympathetic.

“Of course,” he agrees, sighing heavily. “But I'll have Baekhyun with me and Junmyeon hyung too.”

“And you'll have me,” Jongdae adds quickly, with a genuine smile. Chanyeol feels strangely emotional as he smiles back at him.

“And I'll have you,” he laughs.

Chanyeol's gaze involuntarily lands on Kyungsoo, who is writing something down in his notebook, too lost in his own world to notice. Chanyeol wonders if Kyungsoo will be there for him too. He hopes he will be.

 

*

 

The next time Jongdae surprises Chanyeol is when he calls him suddenly on the weekend, whining over the phone about how he desperately needs Chanyeol to help him with an assignment or he'll end up failing. Chanyeol agrees, asks Jongdae if he wants to come over to his place so they can work, but Jongdae suggests that they meet up at his and Kyungsoo's apartment instead. Chanyeol hesitates but eventually agrees, mostly because he wants to see Kyungsoo again.

He goes over on Sunday, making his way over to the address Jongdae texted him the previous night, his guitar case slung over his back and his journal clutched tight in his hand. He even put in some effort to look nice today, wearing one of his brother's hoodies and a pair of decent looking acid washed jeans, his hair combed back over his forehead. Baekhyun had teased him that he was going out on a date, and Chanyeol knows he isn't, but he feels nervous nonetheless. And he knows it isn't because of Jongdae.

When Chanyeol reaches Jongdae's apartment he calls him on his phone, just like Jongdae had instructed, instead of knocking on the door.

Jongdae yanks the door open and the first thing he says upon seeing Chanyeol is, “Now you really are one of those stereotypical music majors,” while he gestures at Chanyeol's guitar case and he follows up with a very serious “I love you.”

Chanyeol bursts out into surprised laughter, slapping Jongdae's shoulder. Jongdae smiles as he welcomes him inside, shutting the door behind him.

“Maybe we should take it slow,” Chanyeol jokes as he toes off his shoes, setting them aside neatly before following Jongdae into the living room. Jongdae rolls his eyes at him but he's still smiling.

“I hope it's okay if we just work here,” he gestures around the rather clean looking living room. “My room is a mess.”

“Sure,” Chanyeol shrugs, leaning his guitar case against the coffee table before he takes a seat on the dull grey couch. The layout of the apartment and the furnishing is similar to Chanyeol's own; a couch, a coffee table, a book-stand placed in one of the corners, pale yellow walls and false hardwood flooring, even the TV stand is there, the only difference is that there's a laptop placed there because Jongdae and Kyungsoo don't have a TV.

Chanyeol looks around at the few personal belongings scattered around - a few DVDs, some books, a comic - wondering which of these items belongs to Kyungsoo.

“Do you want something before we start?” Jongdae asks, shuffling around the room in just a pair of track pants and a plain t-shirt. Chanyeol feels overdressed and more than a little self-conscious.

“No, not really.”

“You sure?” Jongdae crosses his arms over his chest. “I made coffee just before you got here.”

“It's fine,” Chanyeol waves dismissively. “Stop being so formal.”

“Well, excuse me for trying to be a good host,” he snarks as he walks away, disappearing down the hallway. “Just let me get my notebook and then we can start,” he calls out as he goes.

Chanyeol keeps his journal on the table, moving so that he can lean his back against the armrest. He takes his guitar out of its case and plucks a few chords while he waits for Jongdae.

“Alright,” Jongdae says, bouncing back into the room and throwing himself down onto the couch, sitting opposite Chanyeol. “Let's get started.”

“So what do you have to work on?”

“Well, I'm supposed to be writing lyrics based on what topic was assigned to me but I don't know where to start,” he holds up his empty notebook to show Chanyeol. “I got some vague bullshit about colours and how they represent individual moods and feelings and I'm supposed to write lyrics based on that cheesy crap.”

Chanyeol laughs at the disgust on Jongdae's face.

“That's different from last year,” Chanyeol says, putting his guitar down and reaching for his journal. “All we got was a word. No more, no less.”

Jongdae laughs. “What was your word?”

“Acceptance,” Chanyeol cringes and Jongdae laughs again.

“At least that's bet– oh, hey Soo,” Jongdae smiles, his gaze moving away from Chanyeol's face. “Did we disturb you?”

Chanyeol waits a second or two, mostly to compose himself, before turning around to look at Kyungsoo, standing there looking at Chanyeol through narrowed eyes, his hair in disarray and his black penguin pajamas rumpled from sleep. He looks absolutely adorable, even if he is glaring at Chanyeol pretty intensely.

“Hey Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol offers him a polite smile, trying to swallow down the nervousness he feels. Kyungsoo doesn't even blink at him, just glares, and it gets pretty unnerving after a while so Chanyeol opens up his journal and pretends to be looking for something as he flips through the pages. He feels a little guilty at the thought of having possibly disturbed Kyungsoo's sleep.

There's a few seconds of silence before Chanyeol hears soft footsteps padding into the kitchen. Chanyeol looks at Jongdae.

“I'm sorry,” he apologizes sheepishly. “Was I being too loud?”

Jongdae waves his concern away.

“No he was probably already awake. He would have been furious if we had disturbed him.”

“He seemed pretty furious when he was glaring at me,” Chanyeol mumbles, trying not to pout.

“Oh Chanyeol,” Jongdae laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world. “He wasn't glaring, it's– Kyungsoo has astigmatism. He's practically blind without his glasses. It's why he ends up squinting at people sometimes, because he can't see, not because he's mad or something.”

“Ah,” Chanyeol feels stupid for judging Kyungsoo, again. “I'm sorry, I just thought that…”

“It’s fine,” Jongdae rolls his eyes and then he's laughing again as his gaze lands on Chanyeol's open journal. Chanyeol looks down confused.

“What?”

“Jesus,” Jongdae wheezes. He points at the array of stick figures that litter the page, laughing harder, “What the hell is that?”

Chanyeol pouts, mock offended. He lifts a hand to his chest.

“How dare you, Jongdae,” he says, deadpan. “That's art. Have some respect.”

Jongdae cackles, wiping away tears, and Chanyeol cracks a smile, very amused. He often laughs at his own doodles as well but he never would've guessed that they'd be this entertaining.

“Man,” Jongdae says, trying to compose himself. “Soo would be so offended if he ever sees that. He's a fine arts major, you know?”

Just as he says it, Jongdae freezes, eyes darting behind Chanyeol, smile falling. Chanyeol wants to say that it's okay, that he already knows because Junmyeon hyung told him, but when he turns around he realizes that that's not why Jongdae looks worried.

Kyungsoo is standing there, just near the kitchen door, looking terrified as his gaze flicks wildly from Jongdae to Chanyeol and then back again. It takes Chanyeol a while to recognize the signs – the rapid rise and fall of Kyungsoo's chest, his clenched fists, wide eyes – but once he does, it immediately becomes obvious.

When Chanyeol was younger, the only thing that he hated more than being forced out of his room to socialize was when someone asked to look through the notebook he kept hidden under his mattress, the one in which he wrote down all his poems in. It was invasive, extremely so, and he hated it, would panic - did panic, in fact - immediately if someone kept insisting even if he said no. He guesses that this might be what Kyungsoo's feeling right now. He might be scared that Chanyeol is going to put him on the spot; going to ask him to show him his artwork even if Kyungsoo may not want to share it with him.

This is something Chanyeol can relate to, having suffered through it himself, this fear of people being invasive. He doesn't want to compare his situation to Kyungsoo's but at least this part he understands. Chanyeol doesn't even need to think twice before he focuses all his attention on a worried looking Jongdae, steering the conversation away from Kyungsoo completely.

“I know,” he says, softly, but loud enough for Kyungsoo to hear. “I swear though, when I was younger I seriously thought art was my true calling. Even when I drew these little ugly dudes,” Chanyeol gestures at the stick figures littering the page of his journal, “I would feel so proud because I thought that it was the best thing ever.”

Jongdae smiles, looking more than a little relieved, giving Chanyeol a look that he can't really decipher, a mix of cautious and grateful. Chanyeol decides not to dwell on it too much.

“I remember when I was eleven, I made this really horrendous looking painting of what was supposed to be a dog, but it just looked like a demon of some kind” he reminisces, smiling fondly at the memory. “I was so happy with it, but then I showed it to my mom and she laughed so hard and I was so upset that I cried.”

He chuckles. “Yifan hyung was the only one who said it was good. In fact, he saved up enough money just so that he could have that monstrous thing framed. It's still in his room back at home, hung up beside all his NBA posters.”

“Seriously, Chanyeol,” Jongdae says, smiling, “your brother is the best.”

“I know,” Chanyeol says proudly. He subtly turns to look around for Kyungsoo but is happy to see that he isn't here. He must have gone back to his room sometime when Chanyeol was sharing his experience with Jongdae.  _Good_.

Chanyeol smiles, content.

“Enough about my shitty art skills,” Chanyeol says, flipping through the pages of his journal again, looking for something that they might be able to work with. “Let's get to work on your assignment.

Jongdae whines but complies. Picking a pen up and writing down a few lines that Chanyeol suggests. They work painfully, penning a few sentences, scrapping the whole thing and then starting over only to scrap the whole thing again. By the time Yifan calls - for the third time - to remind Chanyeol about their lunch plans, all he and Jongdae have are a few measly lines, so half-assed, they look like they were written by a four year old.

“Why is this so hard?” Jongdae whines, flopping forward, his forehead resting on Chanyeol's knees.

“It's okay,” Chanyeol sighs, petting Jongdae's hair consolingly. “We have time, we can end here for today and start again tomorrow with fresh minds.”

Jongdae huffs, sitting up again.

“Thanks so much Chanyeol,” he says, sincerely. “I really don't know what I'd do without you.”

“No problem, Dae,” Chanyeol smiles, putting his guitar back into its case. “I'm always happy to help.”

“Are you leaving?” Jongdae frowns.

“Yeah,” he says.

“You could stay for lunch,” Jongdae suggests. “It's the least I could offer you for all your help.”

“Oh no, that's fine,” Chanyeol says. “I'm supposed to meet my brother and his boyfriend for lunch today.”

“Oh come on,” Jongdae huffs, looking upset. “You see them every day, I need to have some quality time with my friend too, you know.”

Chanyeol fidgets, shifting his weight on the couch. He struggles to find an appropriate reply, to find words to explain why he's always hanging around his brother. Jongdae seems to understand however because he immediately looks distressed.

“Shit, Chanyeol, no,” he reaches out, gripping Chanyeol's forearm with both of his hands. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean that! I know you want to spend time with your brother as much as possible before he leaves. That was so insensitive of me, I'm sorry.”

“It’s okay, Jongdae,” Chanyeol assures him, glad that he understands at least. “I'm sorry I can't stay for lunch.”

“No!” Jongdae tugs on Chanyeol's arm. “Don't be, I understand.”

“Hey maybe you could come hang out at our place tomorrow, or whenever you feel like,” Chanyeol suggests, because he feels a little bad at how genuinely upset Jongdae looks. He shoulders his guitar case, picking his journal up from the coffee table.

Jongdae smiles up at him.

“I'd like that,” he says, eyes twinkling.

 

 

 

“Well, this was a bad idea,” Jongdae says, frozen in place beside Chanyeol. Chanyeol agrees wholeheartedly, standing in the entryway to his own apartment, watching Baekhyun and Yifan making out on the couch with mild disgust. He sighs heavily.   
  
“Maybe we should just leave,” Chanyeol suggests, opening the door carefully before stepping out, pulling Jongdae along with him and slamming the door shut loudly on purpose.

They had come here straight after Chanyeol’s classes had ended, hoping to maybe work on Jongdae’s assignment some more before going out for dinner together with Yifan and Baekhyun. Chanyeol had been excited for Jongdae to meet his brother and his friend but all that had quickly changed when they had walked in on...   
  
Chanyeol shudders. “I think I need to start knocking from now on.”   
  
“I think you should,” Jongdae laughs following Chanyeol as he makes his way towards the flight of stairs at the end of the hallway.   
  
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Chanyeol shudders again, climbing down the stairs. Jongdae slaps his arm.   
  
“It’s fine,” he rolls his eyes, hopping as he takes each step. “Let’s just forget about that.”   
  
“Agreed,” Chanyeol is more than ready to forget about that. He doesn't need to see his brother and Baekhyun trying to eat each other's faces off, it's a scarring experience because, well, Yifan is his  _brother_.

“So, where do you wanna go?” Chanyeol asks Jongdae once they reach the lobby.

“I don't know, I just wanted to hang out at your place, but, well,” Jongdae shrugs. “Let's just go anywhere, I don't care.”

Chanyeol takes him to  _Gastro_ and they decide over dinner that if they have to meet up outside of school from now on then Jongdae's apartment would be the safest option for them. 

 

*

 

“Hey Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo looks up at Jongdae, putting down the book he was reading. Jongdae walks into their shared apartment, throwing himself onto the couch.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo smiles at his best friend. “Had fun?”

“Yeah,” Jongdae laughs. “Although we did walk in on Chanyeol’s hyung and his boyfriend making out.”

Kyungsoo laughs at the expression on Jongdae's face. He marks the page he's on before placing the book onto the table.

“That must have been awkward for all of you.”

“It was,” Jongdae nods, “but I guess it was also kind of okay because they didn't even notice us coming in, or standing there, or leaving.”

Kyungsoo chuckles again.

“So what did you guys so then?” he asks trying not to sound too curious.

“Chanyeol and I went out to get something to eat,” Jongdae smiles. “He took me to his favorite place,  _Gastro_.”

“That's nice,” Kyungsoo says, nibbling on his bottom lip, looking down at his hands. Jongdae doesn't seem to notice the change in his mood, too happy recounting the evening’s events to Kyungsoo. He listens in silence, as Jongdae shares another funny story that Chanyeol told him, and tries not to feel bitter.

Kyungsoo's only met Chanyeol a handful of times now but he already likes him well enough.

In fact he's liked Chanyeol ever since their first meeting (even if he didn't know him as Chanyeol back then, just as  _'the tall, pretty boy’_ ), when Kyungsoo hadn't been watching where he was going and had ended up walking into Chanyeol causing the both of them to fall. Chanyeol had apologized continuously and had helped Kyungsoo gather all his things even if Kyungsoo could tell he was late, judging by the way he was rushing. Kyungsoo had expected Chanyeol to just give him things and go, but he had stayed. He had tried to help him up, had looked concerned for his well-being as he offered to take him to the nurse's office. Kyungsoo had tried so hard to respond - to tell Chanyeol that he was okay, that it was Kyungsoo's fault for not looking where he was going, that he didn't need to waste his time because he was probably going to be late if he didn't hurry - but he couldn't. He couldn't respond even as Chanyeol stared at him with those big eyes of his, growing offended at Kyungsoo's silence. He had tried, so hard, to say something, anything, but Chanyeol was late so he had to leave and Kyungsoo just stood there watching him go, feeling like shit.

But even that brief, less than favourable, first encounter had been enough for Kyungsoo to guess the kind of person that Chanyeol was; caring and selfless, ready to put some stranger's needs above his own.

He had spent the rest of his day feeling miserable, and the rest of the first week trying, and failing, to catch a glimpse of the taller boy.

Therefore, the next time they met outside the music department, Kyungsoo had been so nervous that he had hidden behind Jongdae, latching onto the sleeve of his hoodie for the entirety of the conversation they (minus him) had with Chanyeol.

Of course when he'd introduced himself as Chanyeol, the one student that Junmyeon had been harping on about non-stop, Kyungsoo had almost rolled his eyes at the coincidence. But then that feeling was instantly replaced with giddiness at the fact that his  _'pretty boy’_ was actually Junmyeon hyung’s Chanyeol who, according to him, was the kindest soul alive. He had kept his face hidden in the hopes that Chanyeol wouldn't recognize him but he did, and Kyungsoo had blushed a bright red as Jongdae had laughed at Chanyeol’s explanation of how they met. 

When Chanyeol had spoken to him, Kyungsoo had felt that same urge to reply, that  _need_ to reply, to do anything to keep Chanyeol's attention on him and he had been unreasonably upset when he had finally mustered the courage to look up only to find Chanyeol trying to pull Junmyeon into a hug. He had kept his gaze fixed on Chanyeol, admiring everything about him; his eyes, his smile, his dimple, his perfect set of teeth, his dyed blonde hair, his loud laugh, his deep voice, even his weirdly shaped ears. Kyungsoo had been so happy when Chanyeol's gaze had finally met his but it had only lasted for a brief second before Chanyeol was distracted again, talking to Junmyeon, hugging him, and smiling at Jongdae as he said goodbye. All Kyungsoo had gotten was a formal goodbye and a few extra seconds of eye contact and nothing else. Chanyeol didn't even tell him that he hoped they would see each other again.

Kyungsoo had spent the rest of the evening sulking, glaring at Junmyeon when the elder wasn't looking, and being upset over the fact that even Jongdae could communicate with Chanyeol openly but he could not, even if he really wanted to. When they got home later in the evening Jongdae had asked Kyungsoo why he was upset and Kyungsoo had blamed his sour mood on their housing situation.

Every day after that Kyungsoo spent moping, especially whenever Jongdae would come back to the apartment late and announce that he had been hanging out with Chanyeol. Kyungsoo was genuinely happy that Jongdae had found a friend like Chanyeol but he was also upset (and a little jealous) that he couldn't hang out with Chanyeol. It wasn't like he physically couldn't because he could; it was more like he wasn't emotionally ready to hang out with Chanyeol.

So he waited until the idea of seeing Chanyeol and spending time with him didn't intimidate him anymore. He waited until he felt like he was ready and then, as casually as he could manage, made his way to the library after his classes were over on one of the days where he knew his best friend would be hanging out with Chanyeol again. Jongdae had looked surprised when he had seen him but didn't stop him when he sat down beside him to “study”.

Kyungsoo had been fine until Chanyeol arrived, doodling in his notebook and talking to Jongdae in hushed whispers, but the moment he saw Chanyeol walking into the library, he had buried his head in his book in an attempt to hide his pink cheeks, pretending to go over his notes. But he couldn't help his own curiosity, so when Chanyeol sat down opposite Jongdae, Kyungsoo had looked up, making eye contact with Chanyeol before looking down again. The blatant surprise he saw on Chanyeol's face was enough to make him feel stupid; of course Chanyeol was surprised to see him because he was only supposed to be spending time with Jongdae.

Kyungsoo had tensed up, nearly bolting when he heard Jongdae explaining his presence to Chanyeol, asking him if was okay for him to be there. And then he nearly melted into the floor when Chanyeol had sounded confused at why Kyungsoo's presence would be upsetting.

Throughout the time that Chanyeol had spent helping Jongdae, Kyungsoo had kept his eyes fixed on him, admiring his voice as he read over Jongdae's notes, his encouraging smile when he tried to get Jongdae to understand the meaning of a particular sentence, his fingers as they trailed over the pages of Jongdae's notebook. He had been so comfortable, sitting there in Chanyeol's presence, that he didn’t even think twice (nor realize) when he turned to face Jongdae and made a harmless joke about his mental capacity.

The only time Kyungsoo had felt slightly awkward was when Jongdae had teased Chanyeol for texting his girlfriend and Chanyeol had corrected him politely, implying that he was more likely to have a boyfriend (and Kyungsoo had tried to ignore the way his own heart had skipped a beat at that because it wasn't like Chanyeol was going to be interested in someone like him anyways) if he ever had a partner. He had eavesdropped on the rest of their conversation and at the end, when Jongdae had told Chanyeol that he would be there for Chanyeol when his brother left, Kyungsoo had written what he wanted to be able to say to Chanyeol down in his notebook.

_“I'll be there for you too.”_

He just hoped Chanyeol wouldn't mind having him around. Just like Kyungsoo didn't mind having Chanyeol around.

 

That fact was proven when Chanyeol had come over to their apartment for the first time yesterday.

 

Jongdae had forgotten to warn him beforehand, so when Kyungsoo had slipped out of his room to get a glass of water, he'd been surprised to see (even if he had to squint to do so) Chanyeol sitting there on the couch, looking absolutely stunning in a pink hoodie and a simple pair of jeans. He had looked nervous as he greeted Kyungsoo, almost scared, and Kyungsoo mentally cursed himself for not having his glasses on. He had made his way to the kitchen before realizing what he had on and the state he was in and just hoped that Chanyeol didn't think he looked too ugly like this.

He remembers clearly, how unfortunate the timing had been, when Jongdae had let it slip that Kyungsoo was a Fine Arts major. He couldn't even react quickly enough before Chanyeol was turning to look at him, gaze curious.

Kyungsoo's panic had bubbled up so quickly that he could barely move, standing there like a deer caught in headlights with his fists clenched tight as he glanced from Chanyeol to a worried looking Jongdae. He waited for the inevitable, intrusive, question of  _can I see your art?_ to be thrown his way because that's how it always was. But to Kyungsoo's – and Jongdae's – surprise the question hadn't come. Instead, Chanyeol had looked away from him with a smile, said “ _I _know__ ” and had promptly steered the conversation away from Kyungsoo by sharing a funny experience of his own with Jongdae. Kyungsoo had stood there for a few seconds, trying to get his breathing under control and blink away the tears that had formed in his eyes. The relief that Kyungsoo had felt as he made his way back to his room had almost made him dizzy.

Later, after Chanyeol had left, Jongdae had apologized to Kyungsoo while they were having lunch. Kyungsoo had shrugged and waved his apology away. He remembers telling Jongdae that Chanyeol was really nice, not at all like other people, and that he actually liked him. Jongdae had looked at him funnily but had said nothing.

Kyungsoo had been okay until earlier today, when Jongdae said that he was going over to Chanyeol's apartment after his classes, because Kyungsoo had wanted to go too but he knew it just wouldn't be advisable.

 

He spent the whole day feeling anxious and now that Jongdae is here, practically gushing about how much fun he had with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo can't help the vague feeling of jealousy that stirs within him.

 

“Kyungsoo?” Jongdae calls out, finally realizing that Kyungsoo has zoned out of the conversation. “Did you hear what I just said?”

Kyungsoo blinks at Jongdae, guilty.

“I'm sorry, Dae,” he smiles. “I was just distracted. What were you saying?”

“I asked if it's okay with you if Chanyeol comes over again on Sunday,” Jongdae repeats, “to help with my assignment.”

Kyungsoo perks up immediately, trying not to look too excited as he nods.

“Of course,” he shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “I don't mind.”

Jongdae gives him a funny look again but Kyungsoo ignores him and picks up his book, hiding his wide smile behind it.

 

 

Kyungsoo spends the rest of the week mentally preparing himself for Chanyeol's visit. He’s nervous, of course, but more than anything else, he's excited, even if he himself doesn't really know why; Chanyeol is Jongdae's friend after all, not Kyungsoo's. He tidies up the entire apartment, including Jongdae's room. He spends every waking moment imagining scenarios in which he will be able to walk up to Chanyeol and at least greet him, even if he knows it will never happen. Not yet anyways. If Jongdae notices Kyungsoo's behaviour, he makes no mention of it.

 

On Sunday itself, Kyungsoo wakes up earlier than he normally would, unable to sleep any longer because he feels so anxious. He makes coffee, even if he isn't allowed to drink any, and tells Jongdae he made it for him when he wakes up. Kyungsoo goes back to his room after being on the receiving end of Jongdae's knowing smirk for too long. But he doesn't stay locked in for long. He comes out again, this time with his personal sketchbook in hands and leaves it on the coffee table, blushing when Jongdae's eyebrows shoot up into his hairline.

“He can see it if he wants to,” Kyungsoo says, his voice trembling, and then has to beat a hasty retreat to his room again when Jongdae starts screeching loudly.

“You like him!” He yells as Kyungsoo rushes down the hallway, his face burning. “You have a crush on Chanyeol!”

“No I don't!” Kyungsoo denies before he slams the door to his room shut, burying his flushed face in the palm of his hands. Kyungsoo knows that he likes Chanyeol, but he isn't sure if it's the same as having a crush on him. He just wants to get to know the other boy and nothing else.

Kyungsoo is still locked in his room, reading a book, when Chanyeol comes around half-an-hour later.

Kyungsoo hears Jongdae's cheery voice as he greets him, hears their footsteps as they shuffle around the living room, hears Chanyeol's melodic laugh as it carries through the apartment. Despite his initial excitement, Kyungsoo is apprehensive now that Chanyeol is actually here in their apartment. He puts his book down before getting up from his bed slowly, making sure to be as silent as possible as he tiptoes over to his door and locks it. He breathes a sigh of relief, his nerves settling as he walks back towards his bed, laying down on it.

It isn't that he doesn't trust Chanyeol, he knows that he's different, but he’s been in similar situations too many to count and not all of them were good experiences. But like this, locked away in his room, Kyungsoo feels safe.

The apartment goes silent for a while, Jongdae's frustrated whining the only thing that occasionally disturbs the calm, and Kyungsoo picks his book up again. He tries to read, tries really hard, but gives up after he reads over the same line for the fifth time and still has no idea what it says. He can't believe he's this distracted all because Chanyeol is sitting in the other room. He sighs, frustrated.

The silence stretches on for a few more minutes before he hears Jongdae yell, “I give up!”

He smiles, rolling his eyes to himself before Chanyeol's laughter echoes through the apartment again and Kyungsoo decides he really likes the sound of it.

“Alright, fine,” he hears Chanyeol say. “Let's take a break you big baby.”

And that's how the rest of Kyungsoo's day goes.

He listens to Chanyeol and Jongdae exchange stories, bitch about their professors (especially Lee, who they both seem to loathe), whine about school work and then bicker over stupid things. It's amusing, especially when he hears Chanyeol and Jongdae laughing loudly over something they both find funny. Kyungsoo feels a little weird listening to them, especially when Chanyeol starts singing as he plays the guitar and Kyungsoo gets up from his bed and sits on the floor, leaning against his door to hear him better. Chanyeol has a beautiful voice, deep and soothing, that complements Jongdae's own when they end up singing together and Kyungsoo feels that surge of envy again, roiling in the pit of his stomach.

Kyungsoo wishes he could sing with Chanyeol instead.

He stays there on the floor, even after Chanyeol and Jongdae finish their duet, too lazy to actually get up. So that's why Kyungsoo hears it loud and clear when Chanyeol gasps in amazement, his voice almost reverent as he asks,  _“Is he Picasso or something?”_

It takes a while for Kyungsoo to realize what Chanyeol's talking about, but when he does, his whole body tingles with pleasure, face flushing as he hugs his knees to his chest.  _He likes my art_ Kyungsoo thinks, giddy, smiling so wide it hurts. It makes him happy to know that Chanyeol appreciates something of his.

Chanyeol leaves a while later, and Kyungsoo doesn't have to wait long before there's a knock on his door.

“Hey lover boy!” Jongdae yells. “Open up!”

Kyungsoo opens his door, scowling at Jongdae. Jongdae smirks at him as he enters, flopping down on Kyungsoo's bed.

“Your boyfriend liked your art,” Jongdae says, handing Kyungsoo's sketchbook back to him. “He says he's a big fan.”

“Stop acting like a five year old,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes even though his face is probably flushed. He takes his sketchbook from Jongdae and puts it back onto his study table.

Jongdae chuckles before suddenly turning serious.

“You could have come out of your room, you know” Jongdae says softly. “He wouldn't have minded.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo says with a sigh as he sits down beside Jongdae. He did want to but he knew that he wasn’t ready just yet. “I just didn't feel like it. Maybe next time.”

“Next time,” Jongdae agrees, squeezing Kyungsoo's shoulder in reassurance. They sit in silence until Jongdae perks up, grinning widely.

“Oh hey, Chanyeol’s birthday is at the end of this month,” Jongdae informs him. “On the 27th.”

Kyungsoo hums. “What will you get him?”

“I'm not sure yet,” Jongdae shrugs before he gives Kyungsoo a sly smile. “He really does like your art though.”

Kyungsoo flushes again. “I'm not making something for you to give him!”

“Who said anything about that?” Jongdae says, smiling cryptically, before he stands up and Kyungsoo frowns at him. He's almost out the door of Kyungsoo's room when he turns around again.

“Hey Kyungsoo, is it really okay with you if Chanyeol comes around here?”

“It is,” Kyungsoo smiles at his best friend. “Just give me a heads up whenever he's coming over,” he warns.

Jongdae considers him for a moment before he nods and leaves, shutting the door behind him.

 

 

Chanyeol doesn’t come over again anytime soon, much to Kyungsoo’s chagrin but Kyungsoo knows that he and Jongdae hang out after classes. Kyungsoo tries not to feel bad about it but he can’t really help it. Jongdae, being the good friend that he is, notices and he asks Kyungsoo every time if he would like to hang out with them. Kyungsoo considers it, he really does, but he figures that it won’t make much of a difference if he hangs out with them because he won’t be able to communicate with Chanyeol anyways and forcing himself to do so will only affect his own health negatively.

 

He lets Jongdae know as much when he invites Kyungsoo out to dinner with him and Chanyeol on Wednesday.

 

“I’m okay here,” Kyungsoo tells Jongdae, waving his book at him from where he's sitting on the couch. “You go have fun. Don’t worry.”

Jongdae looks uncertain as he hovers in the doorway.  
  
“You sure?” he asks. “You don’t mind me spending time with your boyfriend?”  
  
“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo gives him a baleful look, hoping that he doesn't notice his pink cheeks. Jongdae smirks.  
  
“You really don’t mind though?” Jongdae asks again, fiddling with the buttons on his coat. Kyungsoo purses his lips.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t mind,” he says honestly because he does mind. “It does bother me sometimes but I know that I can’t force myself to socialize with him or communicate with him – or anybody else for that matter. I need to do so at my own pace and on my own terms, even it may take a while.”  
  
Jongdae stares at Kyungsoo, unblinking, before he breaks out into a wide grin and rushes forward, enveloping Kyungsoo in his arms. Kyungsoo frowns, confused at this sudden display of affection even if he isn't going to complain.  
  
“I’m happy,” Jongdae explains, squishing Kyungsoo and shaking him a little. “It’s so good to see you putting your own health first. I can't believe my baby's growing up!”  
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but he can feel his lips curving up at the corners.  
  
“I'm so proud of you!” Jongdae says, squeezing Kyungsoo in his arms once more before letting go of him and rushing to the main door, darting out quickly and slamming it shut behind him in his excitement. Kyungsoo stares in bewilderment at the closed door for a few seconds before he shakes his head, going back to his book with a content smile on his face.

 

*

 

“What?” Jongdae asks, sounding like he’s having trouble believing what Kyungsoo just said. Kyungsoo hesitates, fiddling with his fingers as Jongdae gapes at him.  
  
“I want you to give my number to Chanyeol,” he repeats, softer this time, almost hesitantly.

“Why?”  Jongdae asks, lips pulled into a thin line as he stares at Kyungsoo through narrowed eyes. Kyungsoo sighs, trying not to deflate.

“Because,” he says giving Jongdae a helpless look; his best friend should know why by now dammit! This is something that Kyungsoo has been thinking about for a long time but he only got the courage to talk to Jongdae about it today. After he spent the whole morning expecting Chanyeol to come over, like he did the previous two Sundays, Kyungsoo had been disappointed when he didn't show up. And then he'd been angry at himself because rationally he knew that even if Chanyeol did come over Kyungsoo wouldn't be able to do anything other than stare at him for a few seconds before locking himself in his room. That's why, after spending all this time to mentally prepare himself, Kyungsoo had decided to ask Jongdae to give his number to Chanyeol because he had a feeling that indirect communication was the only safe option for him right now.

“Because why?” Jongdae presses when Kyungsoo stays silent.

“Because I want to get to know him, Dae,” Kyungsoo frowns, shoulders drooping. “I want to be able to communicate with him, one way or another.”  
  
“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae's tone sounds almost like a reprimand. “You better not be tr–”

“I'm not, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo sighs, exasperated, and Jongdae has the audacity to look affronted. “I'm not forcing myself, I promise. I've been thinking about this for a while now. I want to get to know him, I've been trying to, really, but it's difficult for me because… well you know why. I can't talk to him, I can't even do something as simple as wave at him, _hell_ , at times I can't even look at him because I'm so nervous. Chanyeol's still awkward around me too because he doesn't know me and he can't really know me because we haven't even communicated properly yet.”

“I talk about you all the time,” Jongdae sniffs. “I'm pretty he knows a lot about you.”

“Knowing _about_ me and actually _getting to know_ me is– it's not the same thing,” Kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair, tugging a little.

“I just– I want to try,” he says, _pleads_. “Face to face, it won't work for me yet, but I know that indirect communication will work. It'll probably help me get comfortable with him as well, not right away of course but eventually, and who's to know, maybe I could– we– I might even be able to _speak_ to him. You and Luhan always tell me the same thing, don't you? That I should try and take an initiative to interact with someone? That it's a good thing to actively look forward to being able to communicate with them eventually?”

“Yeah, but not at the risk of your own health?” Jongdae crosses his arms over his chest, looking miffed but also worried. “What good would it do anyone if you just forced yourself into something? What if you end up, you know,” he gestures vaguely, “hurting yourself.”

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo reaches across the couch for Jongdae's hands, holds it within his own. “I know you care and that's why you're being so… _difficult_ about this but you have to know that I wouldn’t force myself to do anything if it meant screwing up all the progress I've made. I know what I should and shouldn't do, thanks to Luhan and you, but I also know that I want to get better because it's exhausting for me, living like this. I want to try, I am trying, and I hope you can trust me when I say that this is something that will help me in the long run. Today I'm trying to communicate with Chanyeol, tomorrow it could be Junmyeon and in years to come who knows, I may not even have to worry about being able to communicate with people. But it all has to start somewhere, so… give my number to Chanyeol? _Please_?”

Jongdae looks thoughtful, chewing on his bottom lip, eyes furrowed deeply as he considers Kyungsoo's words. Finally he comes to a decision, shoulders sagging, looking absolutely resolute.  
  
“I'm not giving your number to Chanyeol,” Jongdae says sternly and Kyungsoo, without hearing what else Jongdae has to say, deflates so quickly and so visibly that Jongdae jumps up, alarmed, and pulls him into his arms.

“Jesus, Soo! At least hear what I have to say first before you start bawling your eyes out,” he scolds, kneeling on the couch as he rocks Kyungsoo in his arms. Kyungsoo feels a little stupid, sniffling as he rubs his face on Jongdae's shirt.

“I'm not going to give your number to Chanyeol but I'm going to give his number to you,” Jongdae enunciates, flicking Kyungsoo's ear, “So that you won't feel pressured into replying to him if he texts you first. At least this way you can text him first, when you're ready.”

Kyungsoo giggles, still hiding his face in Jongdae's chest, heart soaring because now there's actually a possibility that he'll be able to befriend Chanyeol, will get to know him like he's been trying to do for so long.

It's all well and good until another thought crosses his mind and Kyungsoo's mood plummets. He pulls back a little so that he can look at Jongdae, pouting at him.

“What if he doesn't want me to text him?” Kyungsoo asks uncertainly, chewing on his bottom lip.

Jongdae rolls his eyes. He pulls away from Kyungsoo so that he can grab his phone from the coffee table. Kyungsoo watches anxiously, chewing on his nails as Jongdae taps away at his phone. Finally, after a minute or so, he smiles smugly, turning his phone so that Kyungsoo can read the messages on the screen.

 

 _Hey Yeol_  
_Is it okay if I give your number to Kyungsoo?_ _T_ _o keep in touch and stuff_  
_Or get to know each other_ _Idk…_

 

  
  
_Of course!!!_  
_I'd like that!!!!!_  
_Tell him he can bother me anytime he wants :)_

 

Kyungsoo smiles stupidly, lips stretching so wide it hurts. “So… can I have his number now?”

 

*

 

Kyungsoo doesn't text Chanyeol immediately – like Jongdae probably knew he would – he just spends the whole day staring at his phone, picking it up before putting it back down again. After a while, he decides to just leave it for now and throws his phone on his bed before going to sit at his study table. He tries to distract himself by doodling in his sketchbook and before long, Kyungsoo finds himself sitting there wondering if it would be appropriate enough for him to make a painting or something as a gift for Chanyeol, for his birthday that's coming up in two weeks. He thinks of what he could possibly make that Chanyeol would like and then he remembers Chanyeol's story; the one he shared with Jongdae about him trying to paint a dog but somehow painting a demon instead. It seems a little unimaginative (not to mention so childish), to paint a dog for Chanyeol, but Kyungsoo also thinks it's kinda cute somehow. Chanyeol does seem like the type to appreciate the sentiment behind a gift rather than obsessing over its value or practicality.

Somehow, Chanyeol is so different compared to everyone else that Kyungsoo has met. They've barely met more than four or five times but Kyungsoo still thinks very highly of him. Chanyeol's very thoughtful even if they barely know each other and Kyungsoo's never met someone who hasn't forced him into a conversation at some point or another even when – _especially when_ – they think they're being considerate. And honestly, he had expected the same of Chanyeol, but had been so pleasantly surprised when the other boy had proved him wrong, time and time and again.  
  
Kyungsoo's lost count of all the people that's he's met who learn of his condition and then act like they understand (except Junmyeon hyung who actually _does_ understand), but what they end up doing is forcing him into a conversation and then starting at him expectantly, waiting for him to respond because they think that they're doing the right thing by just giving him some time - _that_ they _think is enough_ \- to respond. But it isn’t that simple, and it doesn't really work that way, not for him. Forcing him to communicate just makes it so much worse for him.  
  
But not Chanyeol.

Chanyeol has never once forced Kyungsoo into conversation. He always greets him and smiles at him but what's important is that he treats Kyungsoo like a person instead of something broken that needs to be fixed. He's still a little awkward around Kyungsoo (which is to be expected) but he's also cautious and considerate; always mindful of what he says and does. That is something that Kyungsoo really appreciates about Chanyeol because he's seen and heard how loud he can be and yet he's never that boisterous when Kyungsoo is around, trying his best to make him feel comfortable even if he tries not to show it.

That's what helps give Kyungsoo that added burst of courage in the end – the fact that if Chanyeol is willing to try so hard for him, then Kyungsoo should be willing to try for himself as well.

So with shaky fingers and a rapidly beating heart, Kyungsoo _communicates_ with Chanyeol for the first time since he met him.

 

_Hi Chanyeol, I hope I'm not disturbing you._

_This is Kyungsoo by the way._ _Jongdae gave me your number._

 

After he hits send, Kyungsoo has to take a moment to get his breathing under control, his pulse is drumming in his ears but at least he feels happy, _accomplished_. He's proud of himself and he can't wait to share with Luhan what a big step he's just taken.

Kyungsoo isn't expecting a reply so soon, so when his phone buzzes in his hand he jumps a little, heart rate spiking rapidly. He squeezes his eyes shut, taking deep breaths like he's been advised to do on so many occasions, and tries to calm himself down, repeating in his head over and over that _it's okay, I'm in my room and I'm safe. There's no one here. It's okay_. It takes some time but it works and eventually Kyungsoo's back to normal again.

And it takes an additional half hour before he can actually read Chanyeol's texts and reply to him again but it's okay. It's progress, no matter how little.

 

 

*

 

 

Chanyeol has been texting Kyungsoo for a week now and it still feels surreal to him.

Chanyeol remembers when Jongdae had asked him if it was okay to give Kyungsoo his number and he had freaked out, thinking that it was too good to be true, that it had to be a prank because there was no way in hell that Kyungsoo would want to text Chanyeol. He had replied nonetheless and had spent the entire day on edge, feeling like a schoolgirl anxiously waiting for her crush to text her (which was a stupid analogy because he wasn't a schoolgirl and Kyungsoo wasn't his crush). But Kyungsoo had texted eventually and Chanyeol had yelled so loud (involuntarily of course) that Yifan had threatened to kick him out of the apartment. He had been so excited, texting back almost immediately and then cursing himself because he didn't want Kyungsoo to think he was being weird. Kyungsoo had taken some time to reply but Chanyeol hadn't minded at all because he was just happy that Kyungsoo was texting him. He was happy that Kyungsoo even _wanted_ to text him in the first place.

Jongdae had met him the next day and had dragged him aside before classes started to warn him about a few things. He had told Chanyeol that, at least initially, he shouldn't text Kyungsoo unless he texted Chanyeol first or else it would just make him nervous. Chanyeol had agreed immediately. Jongdae had also told Chanyeol not to feel too upset if Kyungsoo didn't text him daily or if he took too long to reply because communication, even indirectly, still managed to make him anxious. Chanyeol had agreed to that as well, delighted with the knowledge that Kyungsoo was _trying_ , and understood that he couldn't ask anymore of him. Before leaving, Jongdae had given Chanyeol the stink eye and had threatened him that if he ever did anything to upset Kyungsoo, Jongdae would break Chanyeol's legs.

  _"_ _I like you well enough, Park, and I know that you're a good guy so don't let me down. Kyungsoo needs a friend like you.”_

Friend. Kyungsoo was his friend, or almost friend. Would be friend? Whatever. Chanyeol didn't mind the kind of label Kyungsoo attached to him as long as Kyungsoo was happy and Chanyeol just got to keep in contact with him every once in a while.

 

 

Chanyeol did not text Kyungsoo until he texted first, but he was pleasantly surprised when he received numerous texts from Kyungsoo all in the span of one day – even if Jongdae did warn him not to expect frequent texts from Kyungsoo. Chanyeol had been so distracted during lunch that even Yifan and Baekhyun had noticed and had harassed him until he told them what happened. They'd both looked happy for him but had said nothing. The only person who had been as excited as Chanyeol himself was Junmyeon. He had not believed it at first but when Chanyeol had let him read through his texts, Junmyeon had practically squealed with delight, warning Chanyeol to treat him right before freaking out again.

And just like that, one day turned into two, and two turned into three, until by the end of the week, Chanyeol almost felt like he and Kyungsoo had known each other for a long time already. It was surprisingly easy to chat with Kyungsoo through text – even if Chanyeol always waited for _him_ to initiate a conversation – and Chanyeol guessed maybe it was because Kyungsoo could say things through his messages that he couldn't normally say out loud. Another pleasant surprise was Kyungsoo's sarcastic and dry sense of humour, something that Chanyeol enjoyed and found infinitely amusing (and cute) and often bragged about to Junmyeon, who would mock being offended.

But despite chatting with Kyungsoo regularly, Chanyeol still hadn't met him in person again ever since that time two weeks ago when he had first gone over to their apartment. Which was why on Sunday afternoon when Kyungsoo had texted Chanyeol, he hadn't expected to be invited over to have dinner with Jongdae and him. Chanyeol had almost thrown his phone across the room in surprise before he managed to compose himself. He was going to say yes – of course he was because he didn't think he could ever say no to Kyungsoo – but before he did so, he confirmed with Jongdae if it would be okay for him to come over. Jongdae had agreed but had said that it had been Kyungsoo's suggestion in the first place, so there was really no harm in coming over.

 

“Hey hyung,” Chanyeol calls as he walks down the hallway and into the living room, dressed in a pair of black jeans, a white button up shirt and a burgundy sweater. “I'm going out, I'll probably be back late.”

Yifan stares blankly at him from his spot on the couch as Chanyeol walks over to the coat rack beside the door and grabs his brother's black coat, putting it on before he slips on his cleanest pair of Vans. He can hear Baekhyun singing in the kitchen and can smell the popcorn that's currently in the microwave.

“You're skipping movie night,” Yifan squints at him, “to go out on a date?”

Chanyeol splutters, face flushing.

“It's not a date hyung,” he defends, shuffling from foot to foot. “I'm just going to hang out with my friends. Have dinner or whatever.”

“Are you going to hang out with Kyungsoo?” Yifan asks, raising his eyebrows.

“With Kyungsoo and Jongdae,” he frowns, crossing his arms over his chest. His brother considers him for a moment before shrugging.

“If you say so,” Yifan gives him a small smile. “Just be careful.”

“What do you mean?” Chanyeol asks, confused.

“I don't know, Yeol. Just–” he hesitates, runs a hand over his face. “I mean it's good that he's actually communicating with you on his own free will without being forced to and that he’s spending time with you but I just– I don't want you getting hurt.”  
  
“I'll be careful, hyung,” Chanyeol says softly, even if he doesn't actually understand the reason behind Yifan's concern. “Promise.”  
  
“Hey!” Baekhyun says suddenly, bounding into the living room with two big bowls of popcorn and a large grin on his face. He tilts his head curiously when he notices Chanyeol and finally takes in what he's wearing. “Is Yeollie not going to stay for movie night?”  
  
“Nah,” Yifan says, making grabby hands at the popcorn. “My baby brother has a date. I'm so proud.”  
  
Baekhyun squeals, handing over the bowls to Yifan before he walks up to Chanyeol to squish his cheeks.

“Aw,” he coos, giggling. “Look at our little Chanyeollie, all grown up. Who's the lucky guy?”  
  
Chanyeol sighs, pushing Baekhyun’s hands away.

“Hyung, you're just like three years older than me,” he grumbles. “And Baek we're literally the same age. Also, please don't make this into something it's not, I'm just going to hang out with a friend. _Friends_ –” he corrects “–I don't want them to get the wrong idea even by mistake.”  
  
“Are you–” Baekhyun frowns, licking his lips nervously, gaze concerned. “With Kyungsoo?” he asks hesitantly, almost like he's afraid to hear Chanyeol’s answer.  
  
“With Kyungsoo _and_ Jongdae,” Chanyeol reiterates, voice monotone.  
  
“Be careful, Yeollie,” Baekhyun says softly, giving him a nervous smile.  
  
“Why is everyone saying that?” Chanyeol throws his hands up in frustration and decides that he's had enough so he turns around and opens the door. “But don't worry, I will,” he assures before walking out, shutting the door behind him.

 

When Chanyeol reaches Kyungsoo and Jongdae's shared apartment, he texts Jongdae to let him know that he's waiting outside. Jongdae opens the door with a mischievous grin, takes in Chanyeol's outfit, and wags his eyebrows at him suggestively. Chanyeol rolls his eyes and enters the apartment, toeing off his shoes and moving towards the living room to sit down on the couch.  
  
“Someone’s looking good,” Jongdae teases, sitting down beside Chanyeol. “Do you have a date, Yeol?”

 “Jesus, Dae,” he laughs, embarrassed, taking off his coat now that he's indoors and throwing it haphazardly over the armrest of the couch. “Not you too.”

Jongdae laughs. “I'm kidding,” he says. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything so don't worry. You do look nice though.”

“Thanks,” Chanyeol flashes him a peace sign. “Where's Kyungsoo?” He asks softly, looking around.

“He's probably in his room,” Jongdae shrugs. “Give him some time, okay?”

“Of course,” Chanyeol smiles, Jongdae doesn't need to tell him that.

“You want to watch a movie to pass the time?” Jongdae asks, gesturing to the laptop that's perched on the TV rack. Chanyeol shrugs.

“Sure.”

Jongdae pulls the laptop onto the coffee table and after much debate, they end up watching Star Wars (the prequel trilogy because apparently Jongdae likes that better). They watch the movie in relative silence for a while and Chanyeol is so engrossed that he almost doesn't hear the soft footsteps of someone entering the living room. He looks up, perking up immediately when he sees Kyungsoo (who isn't dressed in penguin pajamas this time) standing there looking at him. Chanyeol gives him a big smile.

He isn't expecting a response, not even in the slightest, so he almost has a heart attack when Kyungsoo's lips twitch upwards imperceptibly and he ducks his head, raising his hand to give Chanyeol a small wave before he disappears into the kitchen.

Chanyeol blinks stupidly for a second or two, before breaking out into such a wide grin he feels like his face will split in half, staring at the kitchen door. He hears Jongdae sigh heavily before he pokes a finger into Chanyeol's dimple.

Chanyeol turns to look at him. “Did you see that?” He whispers, overjoyed.

“Yes,” Jongdae scoffs even if his eyes look suspiciously glassy and his voice cracks on his words. “Now try to be less creepy, alright? We don't want you scaring him away.”  
  
Chanyeol nods eagerly. He tries to watch the movie but he can't really concentrate anymore because currently all his thoughts are occupied by Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo waved at him and he smiled. Barely, but he did. Chanyeol almost can't believe it. He doesn't think anything has ever made him this happy before and that's when he realizes that maybe – probably – he does like Kyungsoo. Well, Chanyeol knows he likes Kyungsoo but with the way he gets so giddy just thinking about the other boy, he guesses that he may like Kyungsoo in more than a friendly way. The thought doesn't bother him at all, even if he knows Kyungsoo will never see him as anything more than a friend. As long as he gets to spend time with Kyungsoo, he's happy.

Chanyeol's phone beeps with a text suddenly, the tone he set letting him know that it's from Kyungsoo. He fumbles with his phone to get it unlocked before clicking on the new notification.

 

_Hey, Yeol._ _Thanks for coming :)_

_You look nice_

 

Chanyeol giggles idiotically at the nickname, even if everyone already calls him that. With Kyungsoo it's different because a nickname signifies familiarity and comfort, and to know that Kyungsoo finds both of those things in Chanyeol, even if only a little bit, makes him happy. So much that he's practically bouncing on the couch, making the springs squeak noisily. Jongdae groans and slaps him on his knee, turning away from the laptop.

“Stop acting so smitten, Chanyeol,” he grumbles. “It's disgusting.”

Chanyeol sticks his tongue out at Jongdae, ignoring him in favour of typing out a reply to Kyungsoo.  


_Np Soo!!!!  
nd thank u!!! :)_

_Do you need any help preparing dinner??!_

 

Kyungsoo will most probably decline but Chanyeol just feels like offering to help is the right thing to do. Kyungsoo replies back almost immediately.

 

_No that's okay :)_

_I shouldn't take too long but thank you for offering_

 

Kyungsoo actually doesn't take long to prepare the dinner (which, according to Jongdae, is because Kyungsoo had done most of the prep work earlier) and within the hour the three of them are sitting on the couch – with Jongdae in between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol – eating the food that Kyungsoo prepared and watching the movie that only Jongdae seems to have any interest in. The food is surprisingly very good and Chanyeol is almost envious at Kyungsoo's culinary skills, even as he scarfs down his portions like a man starved.

He can't help it (and he knows Jongdae is annoyed because of how obvious Chanyeol is being) but he keeps stealing glances at Kyungsoo over the top of Jongdae's head, taking in the softness of his round cheeks, the curve of his nose, the bump of his lips and the tiny moles he can make out on his ear and the back of his neck. He's absolutely stunning, Chanyeol thinks. _Perfect_. Definitely much better to focus his attention on instead of the movie and Chanyeol doesn't mind staring at him at all.

 

And if the subtle upward curve of Kyungsoo's lips and the red on his cheeks are anything to go by, Chanyeol guesses that he doesn't mind it that much either.

 

 

*

 

 

Kyungsoo sighs, feet tapping insistently against the fake hardwood floor as he watches Jongdae get ready to leave.  
  
Today is Chanyeol's birthday, so to celebrate they're all going bowling, after which they're going to have dinner together. Well, everyone – Chanyeol, Yifan, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Junmyeon and a few of Chanyeol's other friends – apart from Kyungsoo of course. It's not like Chanyeol didn't invite him, because he did (even if Kyungsoo knows it was mostly to be polite because Chanyeol knows Kyungsoo and he knows that Kyungsoo would decline his offer), but Kyungsoo isn't ready to go out with a bunch of people he doesn't know yet. He knows Junmyeon, sure, but he isn't as comfortable with the older boy as he now is with Chanyeol thanks in no small part to how they are constantly exchanging texts. Kyungsoo doesn't even know Chanyeol’s brother Yifan and his boyfriend Baekhyun (Jongdae had pointed them out once on campus so at least he knows what they look like), having never met them before, and he doesn't think he has to energy to meet a bunch new people in one night. He wants to be there for Chanyeol, to enjoy his birthday with him, but he can't go.  
  
He knows he can't.  
  
It was his own fucking decision not to go, and yet here he is, wringing his fingers and chewing on his bottom lip, eyebrows furrowed as he watches Jongdae slip on his shoes, all the while trying to ignore his own inner turmoil. He wants to go so badly, the longing is present like a sharp ache in his chest, but at the same time the way his stomach swoops when he thinks about the fact that if he goes he will have to interact with new people who are ignorant of his condition, makes him realize what a bad idea it is.  
  
He already wished Chanyeol of course; he kept awake till midnight in the hopes that he would be the first to wish his new friend (Chanyeol had said that he was and Kyungsoo may not have believed that to be completely true but it made him happy nonetheless). But wishing someone in person is so much more meaningful than just sending a crappy text with a bunch of emojis. He's mad because he can't even give Chanyeol his birthday gift himself. Kyungsoo had wanted to give Chanyeol the painting he made – a simple portrait of a tiny black poodle that Kyungsoo referenced from the internet after finding out that Chanyeol had always wanted to own a dog but couldn't because of his allergies – but he had been so nervous and embarrassed to do so that he even skipped his classes today (it was a Tuesday anyway so he only had three classes in the morning and none in the afternoon) because he was afraid that he might run into Chanyeol and then he would end up feeling obligated to hand his gift over even if he wasn't ready to. So reluctantly, Kyungsoo had settled on sending Chanyeol's gift over with Jongdae, even if the idea doesn’t sit right with him.  
  
“Hey, lover boy,” Jongdae calls out, smirking at Kyungsoo as he shrugs his heavy black coat on. “Are you done moping?”  
  
“Shut up, Dae,” Kyungsoo scoffs, pouting at his best friend. He crosses his arms over his chest, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “You look nice.” Kyungsoo admits grudgingly because Jongdae does look nice. He would be jealous that Jongdae was dressing up to go see Chanyeol on his birthday if he didn’t know for a fact that Jongdae has been trying - unsuccessfully - to woo Junmyeon hyung for some time now.

“Thank you,” he beams, wrapping a scarf around his neck. Jongdae pockets his keys before turning around to give Kyungsoo a considering look.  
  
“You’ll be okay, right?” he asks, tilting his head to one side.  
  
“Yes,” Kyungsoo spits. _No_ he thinks. The ache in his chest is already becoming unbearable and he can feel his throat closing up, eyes pricking. “Now go. And don’t forget to give Chanyeol his gift privately, I don’t want anyone to see it and make fun because I already feel stupid enough.”  
  
Jongdae rolls his eyes but he hesitates at the doorway, looking pensive before he heaves an exaggerated sigh and slumps his shoulders in defeat.  
  
“Whatever, Soo,” he waves as he opens the door. “Don’t forget to eat something.”  
  
When Jongdae leaves, he shuts the door behind him slowly but the sound of it still rings in Kyungsoo’s ears. The apartment is eerily silent and Kyungsoo normally likes the calm but today, now, it just makes him feel desolate and alone as he snuggles on the couch, pulling his blanket tight around him. He feels miserable.  
  
He thought once they started texting that things would get a little easier. Granted it’s only been a little over a week and he did actually wave at Chanyeol when they had met on Sunday which is a really big deal for him (and that is something that is definitely going to stun even his own therapist) but he still can’t help but feel like things are going too slow. He knows he can’t force himself, can’t force his progress but _God_ if it isn’t tiring.  
  
Kyungsoo likes Chanyeol and he just wants to be able to spend time with him freely. He wants to get better already. _Why can’t he just get better?_

Before he even has the time to wipe them away, his tears are spilling from his eyes and trailing down his cheeks and Kyungsoo sniffles, rubbing his eyes furiously with the sleeves of his sweater to try and stop them but it’s of no use. He’s been feeling horrible ever since he turned down Chanyeol’s invite and now that his tears have started flowing down his cheeks they just won’t stop. Kyungsoo sobs loudly, burying his face into his hands and pressing the tips of his fingers into his forehead. His chest heaves with the force of his sobs and it feels as though someone is physically squeezing his heart in a fist, clenching hard until he can’t bear it anymore. He sobs harder and harder, sucking in air through his mouth when his nose becomes too stuffy, and all he can think about is how his life is a constant struggle; every day is a fucking struggle even if he sometimes pretends otherwise. He can’t stop crying and his mind a mess of one negative thought after another.

  
_He just wants to get better._

 

*

 

“Kyungsoo, I’m back,” he hears Jongdae’s cheery voice call out moments after the front door opens. “Where are you?”

Kyungsoo sniffles, shifting a little on the couch where he's still lying, buried under his blanket. The entire apartment is dark, the living room illuminated by the light coming from the kitchen where Kyungsoo had left the lights on on purpose. He can hear the sound Jongdae's shoes make as he takes them off and throws them to the side, before immediately walking over to the couch.

“Hey,” Jongdae says softly, face flushed red from the cold outside. He sits on the coffee table, frowning as he takes in Kyungsoo's bloodshot, swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks. “What happened?”

That's all it takes for Kyungsoo to break down again.

Jongdae jumps forward in an instant, kneeling on the floor in front of Kyungsoo and running his hands through his hair gently. He doesn't shush Kyungsoo, doesn't tell him not to cry, doesn't say it's okay and Kyungsoo appreciates that. Jongdae just runs his fingers through his hair, massaging Kyungsoo’s scalp with slow, soothing strokes and lets him cry it out.  
  
It’s only once Kyungsoo's tears have stopped and his sobs are reduced to quite sniffles that Jongdae speaks up again, handing him a couple of tissues from the box Kyungsoo had left on the table earlier.

“Will you tell me what's wrong?” Jongdae asks, concerned, fingers still playing with Kyungsoo's hair. Kyungsoo blows his nose into the tissues.

“Everything,” he says with a pout, hating how shaky his voice sounds.

Jongdae frowns. “Everything?”

“Yes, _everything_ ,” Kyungsoo mumbles. He closes his eyes, sighing tiredly, and leans into Jongdae's fingers in his hair. Jongdae is silent for a few seconds, almost like he's trying to work out Kyungsoo's problem in his head, before he exhales heavily.

“Is this– does this have anything to do with Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo hears Jongdae ask and he opens his eyes to looks at him. Jongdae has an expression on his face that he can't decipher and Kyungsoo doesn't like it.

“Maybe.”

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae drags his name out, his gaze soft and expression stern. “I won't force you to tell me anything if you don't want to, but if it’s something that's bothering you so much then keeping it bottled up inside isn't going to do you any good.”

“I wanted to go out with all of you today,” Kyungsoo admits softly, hesitant. “I wanted to wish Chanyeol in person and hand his gift over to him myself and I–”

Kyungsoo trails off and takes a deep breath, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he considers his next words. Jongdae hums but otherwise stays silent, letting Kyungsoo take his time.

“Things are going so slow, Jongdae,” he says eventually, licking his lips. “I'm happy that we text now and that I at least don't feel as awkward around him now but, I don't know Jongdae, it's still not enough.”

“These things will take time Kyungsoo,” Jongdae reminds him softly. “You said it yourself.”

“I know, Dae,” Kyungsoo sighs, “but there are times when I want more and it just frustrates me to no end.”

Jongdae purses his lips.

“Kyungsoo, do you like Chanyeol?” He asks suddenly, eyebrows pulling together as he slips his fingers from Kyungsoo's hair. Kyungsoo sits up.

“You know I like him, Dae,” he says. “He's a good friend of mine, the _only_ friend I have apart from you.”

Jongdae sighs, running both his hands through his own hair, messing his curly locks up even further.

“I meant if you like him more than a friend?”

Kyungsoo blinks.

“I don't know, Dae,” he admits honestly after contemplating on his answer because he's pretty sure he wouldn't be this worked up over a friend. “All I know is that I enjoy having him around as a friend and that I would like to try and get closer to him.”

Jongdae sits on the floor, staring up at Kyungsoo as he crosses his arms over his chest and mulls over Kyungsoo's word.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Jongdae asks suddenly, surprising Kyungsoo.

“What would you talk to him about, Dae?” Kyungsoo snorts in disbelief and Jongdae shrugs. “I appreciate your concern Jongdae, but I don't think there's anything that you can say to Chanyeol that will help change the way _I_ feel about things. Whatever I'm feeling, I have to sort it out on my own. Without getting Chanyeol involved.”

 

 

Somehow though, being the big hypocrite that he is, Kyungsoo does get Chanyeol involved in his crisis by ignoring him for the next two days. He knows that Chanyeol won't text him first (because that was what Jongdae had suggested would be better for the both of them) but he still waits for him to do so because Kyungsoo is a coward. He ignores Chanyeol for two days (trying to get his chaotic thoughts back under control) until he can't anymore because on Friday, Chanyeol sends him a picture. Chanyeol sends Kyungsoo a picture of his own painting - his gift to Chanyeol - framed and hung up on the pale yellow wall of his apartment, right above the cluttered book rack.

 

 _I loved this so much Soo!!!!_ _Thank you_ :’)))

_I named him Toben, after Beethoven_

_The composer btw, not the dog_

 

And just like that, everything falls back into place again.

 

 

They don't meet up for the rest of the week but they text and Kyungsoo always notices how Chanyeol mentions that he's having lunch with Yifan and Baekhyun. When he questions him about it, Chanyeol says that it's their _thing_. So when Kyungsoo invites Chanyeol over again and he notices the pattern of how Chanyeol's mostly come over to their place when it's a Sunday he has a stupid thought that maybe Sunday's could be their _thing_. He doesn't let Chanyeol or Jongdae know that of course but it feels good to be incorporated into Chanyeol's life. What feels even better though is the blinding smile Chanyeol gives him when Kyungsoo manages to muster up the courage to offer him a small smile, silently thanking him for coming over.

It's during the second week of December when Kyungsoo tries speaking to Chanyeol for the first time. They're at the library again; Chanyeol and Jongdae are working tirelessly to get his assignment done because it's due by Friday and it's already Wednesday. Kyungsoo sits beside Jongdae, going through his notes and occasionally staring at Chanyeol as he chews on his pen, tapping his fingers on the table as he tries to get something acceptable written down for Jongdae. Since they're so busy, they hardly speak to each other the entire time they're there and Kyungsoo is a little bummed because he likes hearing Chanyeol's deep voice. Kyungsoo's doing pretty well with Chanyeol now (he even waved at Chanyeol with a smile on his face when they greeted each other earlier) so when they pack up for the day, deciding to continue again tomorrow, and Chanyeol says bye to the both of them, Kyungsoo looks down at his feet and whispers a goodbye. Except, he doesn't actually whisper anything; his lips shape the words but his vocal chords fail to follow up with the sound. Chanyeol doesn't notice (which is something Kyungsoo considers a blessing) but Jongdae does and he remains distant for the rest of the evening, working on his assignment in the confines of his own room.

Chanyeol doesn't come to visit on Sunday and Kyungsoo is about to throw a fit until he learns that Chanyeol's brother is sick. It's nothing serious but Kyungsoo knows how much Chanyeol loves his brother so he doesn't really mind the absence. _Next Sunday_ he thinks.

 

Kyungsoo finally realizes that he _likes_ Chanyeol the week before winter break begins because he does something he most certainly shouldn't do.

 

It's starts with Jongdae casually informing him that Chanyeol, Yifan and Baekhyun won't be going home for the holidays. Kyungsoo and Jongdae aren't going home either, so the first thought that pops into Kyungsoo's head is that Chanyeol should spend Christmas with them. Jongdae gives him a weird look when he suggests this.

“ _What about Yifan hyung and Baekhyun? Christmas time is family time, he can't just ditch them_.”

Kyungsoo considers that. A lot.

He doesn't notice when it happens but somehow, the only thought on his mind is that he wants Chanyeol to spend Christmas with him. So he thinks hard and comes up with an idea that seems perfect in theory but will probably end in disaster. Kyungsoo thinks of hosting a Christmas dinner and inviting everyone, including Yifan, Baekhyun and Junmyeon (because he needs to convince Jongdae to let it happen somehow). He discusses it with Jongdae and after a lot of convincing and sweet talking, his best friend agrees.

Kyungsoo is happy but at the same time, deep down, he feels anxious because he knows that he's just fucking himself over.

Spending time with Chanyeol, Jongdae and Junmyeon is okay. Spending time with Yifan and Baekhyun is not. As far as he knows, they're good people, but the fact still remains that they are strangers to Kyungsoo even now and Kyungsoo starts freaking out every time he tries to imagine them in his apartment. If it's this bad now, he just knows that it's going to be much worse when the day actually comes. He almost considers quitting but then he reminds himself that he's doing this for Chanyeol, he's doing this so that they can spend time together and he buries his panic deep within.

He'll be okay, he knows (he hopes). It's just a matter of one evening. Just dinner. He will be okay because he'll have Chanyeol and Jongdae by his side and he already plans to avoid being near the others too much. So he'll be fine.

 

Things, however, never go according to plan and Kyungsoo learns that the hard way.

 

*

 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol have grown really close over the last month or so. It was slow at first, Kyungsoo would still hardly acknowledge Chanyeol on the few occasions that they spent together in the presence of Jongdae but gradually, as Kyungsoo grew more accustomed to having Chanyeol around, their interactions started increasing. Not verbally of course but it was good enough for Chanyeol. Kyungsoo had started off with clipped waves and curt nods and shy smiles, and Chanyeol had been over the moon thinking that that was it; he couldn't possibly be any happier at how Kyungsoo acknowledged him, even if it wasn’t much. But then Kyungsoo had started greeting Chanyeol (even if he still avoided too much eye contact) a little more enthusiastically; waving happily when he saw him, nodding along if he felt the need to respond or agree to something Chanyeol had said and giving Chanyeol beautiful heart-shaped smiles (Chanyeol was pretty sure he stopped breathing the first time Kyungsoo really smiled at him) whenever he seemed to be in a relatively good mood. Kyungsoo had even started holding hushed conversations with Jongdae in Chanyeol's presence, whispering things that Chanyeol could never fully hear, but enjoyed nonetheless because Kyungsoo's voice was like music to his ears.  
  
If Chanyeol had been happy before then he was practically ecstatic after, so much so that even his friends started noticing the change, especially Jongdae (who was always present because Kyungsoo wouldn't feel comfortable enough around Chanyeol otherwise) who always looked from Chanyeol to Kyungsoo when they interacted like he was trying to figure out a puzzle.  
  
But the thing is, Kyungsoo had taken a while to open up to Chanyeol and it happened slowly over the course of two months. He still doesn't talk to Chanyeol or hold eye contact for more than a few seconds and he is still a little awkward around him, relaxing mostly when Jongdae is around (and Chanyeol understands, he knows that it's because they've know each other for almost twelve years – and two months is nothing when compared to twelve years). So what Chanyeol doesn't understand is why Kyungsoo's feels like it’s a good idea to invite a bunch of people over to his apartment for dinner when he is still largely unfamiliar with them.  
  
But Kyungsoo insists that he wants them to come over on Christmas Day - even Yifan and Baekhyun - and that he’s okay to spend a few hours with them as long as they respect his personal space and don’t try to force conversation on him. Chanyeol feels a sense of trepidation over the idea but agrees anyway because if Kyungsoo is inviting people over on his own volition and he feels confident to spend time with them, it must mean that he’s getting better (if even a little) and really, who is Chanyeol to halt his progress.  


Chanyeol should have known however, that something was bound to go wrong.

 

*

 

Chanyeol is making his way back to the living room where the others are busy chattering away (their voices so loud, especially Baekhyun and Jongdae, that he could hear them even through the closed bathroom door) when he stops short in the darkened hallway, staring at the figure kneeling on the floor with his head pressed against the wall. It is Kyungsoo, no doubt about it, and Chanyeol takes a few seconds to note how Kyungsoo’s chest is heaving, how his hands are clenched into fists and pressed against his thighs, trembling so visibly that he can see it even from where he’s standing at the end of the hall, outside the closed door of the bathroom.  
  
Chanyeol freezes before the reality of the situation catches up to him and he takes an urgent step forward only to hesitate immediately after because he can’t. He isn’t that close to Kyungsoo, they’ve never been alone together on a normal day because Kyungsoo is not completely comfortable with having him around so Chanyeol doubts that he would want him around now, when he was suffering through a panic attack. Chanyeol feels a little panicked himself.  
  
“Kyungsoo?” he calls softly but gets no response. Kyungsoo shows no indication of having heard him and Chanyeol’s heart lurches as he unwittingly inches a few steps closer. Kyungsoo makes a sound at the back of his throat, almost like he’s choking and Chanyeol’s hesitancy flies out the window. He takes the remaining few steps needed to close the distance between himself and Kyungsoo, making sure to let his feet fall heavily against the floor so that Kyungsoo knows that he’s there and doesn’t get startled by his presence.  
  
He kneels beside Kyungsoo when he reaches him, frowning deeply when he notices the tear tracks glistening on his cheeks and hears how Kyungsoo is practically gasping for air, his shoulders shaking with the effort it takes for him the breathe, his eyes squeezed shut. Chanyeol lifts his hands - bites his lips as he hesitates again - before putting one hand gently on Kyungsoo’s back and placing the other over one of his closed fists. Kyungsoo doesn’t react.  
  
Chanyeol swallows thickly and inches closer, using his thumb to rub soothing circles over Kyungsoo’s knuckles as he gently tries to pull him closer until Kyungsoo’s shoulder is pressed against his chest. Kyungsoo’s body is taut; shoulder stiff and back straight. Chanyeol sighs heavily.  
  
“Kyungsoo,” he whispers, rubbing his fingers in between Kyungsoo’s shoulder blades. “Kyungsoo it’s okay. I’m here.”  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t react at first but then a few seconds later he makes a distressed sound, somewhere between a whine and a sob, before he pulls his head away from the wall to lean it against Chanyeol’s chest instead, one of his hands gripping onto Chanyeol’s own, squeezing painfully. Chanyeol guesses that it’s only because Kyungsoo can’t seem to recognize him yet. Even still, he wraps an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder, shushing him gently as he rests his cheek against Kyungsoo’s hair.  
  
“It’s okay, Kyungsoo,” he says again. “I’m here. It’s okay. Let’s take deep breaths, alright? Deep breaths, like this.”  
  
Chanyeol demonstrates, inhaling air slowly and deeply, his chest expanding beneath Kyungsoo’s head, before he exhales loudly. He repeats it continuously, talking to Kyungsoo in hushed tones, hoping to get him to follow along. Kyungsoo’s tries to follow along after a while once he senses a pattern but he breathes in too quickly and ends up spluttering, gasping for air and doing the exact opposite of what Chanyeol is asking him to do.  
  
“It’s okay,” Chanyeol soothes, rubbing his back. “You’re okay. Let’s try again, Kyungsoo, okay? We’re going to try again.”  
  
It takes a few more tries but eventually Kyungsoo does manage to follow along, inhaling deeply and holding his breath for a second before exhaling. Chanyeol keeps talking Kyungsoo through it, encouraging him to breathe and coaxing him to relax even a little, making sure to let him know that he isn’t alone. That Chanyeol is there with him, for him.  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t know how much time passes but before long, Kyungsoo’s breathing is back to normal and his body is lax as he slumps against Chanyeol’s chest, visibly exhausted. Chanyeol breathes a sigh of relief into Kyungsoo hair, his arm secure around Kyungsoo’s slouching shoulder.  
  
Baekhyun’s loud laugh rings through the silence and Kyungsoo’s shoulders stiffen briefly before he relaxes again. Chanyeol frowns worrying his bottom lip. The reason Kyungsoo is like this is because the others are here.  
  
“Do you want me to ask everyone to leave?” Chanyeol asks softly before he realizes that that was a stupid move because obviously Kyungsoo isn’t going to respond to him but Chanyeol almost jumps out of his skin when he feels Kyungsoo shake his head no, his hair tickling Chanyeol’s chin. He can’t even bring himself to feel happy about the fact that Kyungsoo responded to a direct question from him, not when he suspects that the only reason Kyungsoo is doing so is because he’s tired and all his defenses are lowered.  
  
“Do you–” Chanyeol tries again, swallowing down his nerves. “Do you want me to take you back to your room?”  
  
Because there is no way in hell that Chanyeol is going to let Kyungsoo go back out there and force himself to sit in the presence of people that make him uncomfortable while he pretends to be okay. He waits for some time and is surprised when again, Kyungsoo nods slowly against Chanyeol’s chest. He breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
“Alright,” he says, pulling away from Kyungsoo slowly. “I’m going to help you up, okay?”  
  
Kyungsoo nods again and lets Chanyeol help him up slowly, even if he never lets go of the death grip he has on Chanyeol’s hand. Chanyeol doesn’t mind; at this point everything he’s doing is for Kyungsoo’s comfort only. He guides Kyungsoo slowly back to his room (he knows it’s the one on the right side of the hall because he’s already been into Jongdae’s room once before when the other had taken him there to show off his collection of comics), keeping an arm around his waist as they go. He opens the door and walks Kyungsoo inside, leaving it open because he doesn’t want Kyungsoo to feel like he’s trapped here with Chanyeol. He leads Kyungsoo to his bed and pulls back the blankets before he helps him sit down. Kyungsoo eyes are shut, breathing steady, but his grip on Chanyeol’s hand is still tight. Chanyeol stands there, watches him in silence as he waits, and it takes a while but Kyungsoo shifts, pulling his legs up onto the bed as he lays down, resting his head against his pillow with a tired sigh. Chanyeol pulls his blankets over him and Kyungsoo sighs again but this time it sounds content and Chanyeol feels more than a little relieved when he notices how Kyungsoo’s body relaxes, his grip loosening a little on Chanyeol’s hand.  
  
Chanyeol smiles to himself.  
  
He makes a move to leave, tries to pull his hand out of Kyungsoo’s loosened grip, but Kyungsoo snaps his eyes open, his grip tightening in an instant. Chanyeol flinches a little but immediately calms down when he notices how panicked Kyungsoo’s gaze is as he stares up at him. Worry creases his brow and he’s about to ask Kyungsoo if he’s okay when Kyungsoo beats him to it.  
  
“No,” he whispers, urgently tugging on Chanyeol’s hand. “Stay. Please.”  
  
Chanyeol stands rooted to the spot, eyebrows disappearing into his hairline as he stares unblinking at Kyungsoo. A myriad of emotions flow through him all at once as Chanyeol struggles to deal with the fact that Kyungsoo just spoke to him. It feels too good to be true. Chanyeol's been wanting – _waiting_ – for this to happen, of course, but he didn't ever think that it would happen so soon. He knows he should feel happy, and a small part of him is freaking overjoyed, but a larger part of him is just... dejected. He wanted Kyungsoo to feel comfortable enough around him to be able to speak to him eventually but he always imagined that it would be under different circumstances. Like this, somehow, it feels like Chanyeol's robbing Kyungsoo of something, like he's taking advantage of him while he's at his weakest and he doesn't like that feeling at all.

Chanyeol doesn't like how guilty he feels.

His body moves on autopilot as he kneels on the floor beside Kyungsoo’s bed, close enough so that he can reach his other hand out to run through Kyungsoo’s soft hair in an attempt to get him to calm down again. Kyungsoo stares at him for a second or two before he relaxes and lets his eyes fall shut, shuffling a little closer towards the edge of the bed with a small smile on his face. Chanyeol looks away and stares at the wall behind Kyungsoo's head, his guilt eating away at him slowly.

Chanyeol waits until he's sure Kyungsoo is asleep before slipping his hand out from Kyungsoo's loosened grip. He stands up slowly, wincing as he does so because he's been sitting for quite a while (although judging by the fact that no one's come to look for him yet he guesses that it may not be as long as he thinks) and his legs have fallen asleep. He avoids looking at Kyungsoo's sleeping face as he turns around, only to jump back in fright when he sees Jongdae standing at the door, looking at Chanyeol with pursed lips and narrowed eyes. Chanyeol thanks God that he didn't scream because that would have been bad; to disturb Kyungsoo from his peaceful slumber. He smiles at Jongdae as he walks over to him on shaky legs, grimacing at each step he takes. Jongdae moves aside so he can step out and then he closes the door behind Chanyeol, soft but swift, as if he doesn't want anyone or anything sneaking in.

He turns to look at Chanyeol and gestures for him to follow along as he walks into his room, opposite Kyungsoo's. Chanyeol knows Jongdae must be worried about what happened so he follows along quietly, smiling as he hears Yifan's excited chatter. At least they're still having fun.

Jongdae waits for Chanyeol to enter before he closes and locks the door behind him, making Chanyeol feel trapped.

“Tell me what happened?” he demands, crossing his arms over his chest as he stares intently at Chanyeol.

“He had a panic attack,” Chanyeol says. Jongdae's frowns, his arms falling to his side.

“I found him in the hallway,” Chanyeol explains. “He was kneeling on the floor and he l–”

“Why didn't you call me?” Jongdae asks, sounding furious. Chanyeol frowns, trying not to let his guilt show on his face because he hadn't even thought once of getting Jongdae to help.

“I couldn't– I didn't want to leave him alone,” Chanyeol clarifies but Jongdae doesn't look happy with that answer. He almost looks like he doesn't believe Chanyeol.

“Oh please, Chanyeol” he sneers, clenching his fists. “Don't give me that bullshit!”

Chanyeol is offended by the sudden change in Jongdae's attitude but he's also a little worried and confused because there's definitely something that he's missing here. Jongdae’s lips are pulled into a thin line, eyes cold and furious as he stares up at Chanyeol. His entire posture is defensive; shoulders hunched, arms stuck close to his sides.

“What?” Chanyeol asks, taken aback by Jongdae's sudden outburst and even more so at this blatant display of hostility.

“Don't play dumb, Chanyeol,” Jongdae glares, voice lacking the warmth and familiarity that Chanyeol has come to associate with him over the course of their friendship. “I’m talking about how you're constantly finding ways to be around Kyungsoo. I know what you're trying to do.”  
  
Chanyeol takes a step back, tilting his head to the side as he stares at Jongdae incredulously.

“And what is it that I'm trying to do?” Chanyeol asks, confused but also wary.

Jongdae bristles.

“I don't even think I have to spell it out for you with the way you go around offering to help people even when they don't want to accept, just so that you can satisfy your own damn hero complex,” he says through gritted teeth. “You think that you owe it to people to fix their problems for them and now you're doing the same thing to Kyungsoo. He's just something broken that you're trying to _fix_ –” he spits the word out, making air quotes to emphasize “–because you pity him, you feel sorry for him. You're just like everyone else; pretending to be nice and pretending to care about him when actually, you _don't_. All you care about is trying to make yourself feel better by helping Kyungsoo. Because he's just a charity case to you, isn't he?”

Chanyeol goes slack-jawed with disbelief, too shocked to even respond. He feels almost betrayed.

“But I'm not going to let you mess with Kyungsoo anymore,” Jongdae shakes his head, pointing a finger at him. “So you need to stay away from him. I'm warning you.”

Chanyeol stares at Jongdae, blinking rapidly as he tries to keep his composure, wondering what the hell changed between them in the past hour or so for Jongdae to think so lowly of him. Chanyeol is deeply hurt by his accusations because he always thought that Jongdae was one of the few people who knew just how much he really, _genuinely_ , cared for Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol has never once thought of Kyungsoo as a “charity case” or as someone that needs to be _fixed_ because Kyungsoo is perfect in every possible way. He may be suffering but that doesn't mean that Chanyeol sees him as broken. Chanyeol doesn't pity him, he could never, in fact he admires Kyungsoo because of how strong he is and how hard he tries to push through all the obstacles in his life. And to hear Jongdae say such things breaks Chanyeol’s heart. Jongdae telling him to stay away from the one person Chanyeol has come to care so much about makes him really angry.

“Look, Jongdae,” Chanyeol says, trying to keep his voice level. “I don't know what I ever did for you to think the way you do of me but I need you to know that I like Kyungsoo. You _have_ to know that I _like_ him!”

He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath to calm himself down before speaking again.

“I like him a lot and I would never, _ever_ , do anything to hurt him. He isn't a _charity case_ to me. I do not _pity_ him and neither am I trying to _fix_ him. He's perfect the way he is and the only thing that I'm trying to do is convince him of that fact. So I don't care what you heard or what you think, because I'm not going to stop seeing Kyungsoo just 'cause you're suddenly jealous that your best friend is actually enjoying spending time with someone that isn't you.”

“Do you really think that?” Jongdae asks, crossing his arms over his chest again. “That Kyungsoo actually enjoys spending time with you?”

He deflates when he hears those words, the fight draining out of him completely.

“He does,” Chanyeol affirms, sounding unsure even to his own ears.

Kyungsoo must enjoy spending time with Chanyeol because that's why he always calls him around, doesn't he? He was the one who wanted Chanyeol's number, who texted him first, who asked him to come over so that he could cook him dinner. Kyungsoo even made a painting for him on his birthday. He smiled when Chanyeol told jokes, waved goodbye at him when they parted ways. And just a little while ago, he spoke to Chanyeol for the first time on his own free will. He asked Chanyeol to stay. Kyungsoo asked _him_ to _stay_ so he must like him at least a little bit. Maybe not in the same way as Chanyeol likes him but as a friend? Chanyeol always thought that Kyungsoo liked him well enough as a friend. But maybe not. Maybe he was just deluding himself.

“Oh, really?” Jongdae mocks. “If he does like you, then why does he never want to be alone with you?”

Chanyeol blinks. “It's because he's not completely comfortable around me yet.”

“Exactly!” Jongdae sneers, shaking his head. “He's not comfortable around you. The only reason he even bothered trying to get to know you was because you were my friend. It wasn't because he actually wanted to.”

Chanyeol steps back again, flinching as though Jongdae had just physically slapped him across the face. His chest squeezes painfully, heart sinking heavily to the bottom of his stomach as humiliation washes over him in waves. He can't believe he's been so stupid. He spent all this time thinking that Kyungsoo was making an effort to communicate with him because he liked him. But Kyungsoo wasn't trying for him, he was trying for Jongdae, of course he was. Chanyeol didn't mean anything to him at all. _Nothing_.

“Well, tell him that he won't have to bother trying anymore,” Chanyeol says as he squares his shoulders, voice cold. “Goodbye Jongdae.”

As he turns to the door, Chanyeol thinks that he sees a flicker of guilt in Jongdae's expression but passes it off as wishful thinking because Jongdae doesn't care about him and neither does Kyungsoo.

He unlocks the door, yanks it open and walks out, footsteps heavy as he walks into the living room and makes for the main door, pulling his coat from the rack as he goes. Yifan, Baekhyun and Junmyeon stop their conversation to look at him but he ignores them. Chanyeol forcefully tugs his coat on and stuffs his feet into his shoes, turning a deaf ear when Baekhyun asks him what's wrong. He can hear his brother calling out to him as well, but he doesn't bother, just pulls the door open and storms out.

The bright Christmas decorations all around Chanyeol make him feel sick as he makes his way back to his own apartment, pretending that his lips are quivering and his eyes are clouding over because of the crisp winter air.

 

He tells himself that he isn't going to shed tears for people who aren't worth it.

 

*

 

The first thing Jongdae does when Kyungsoo walks into the kitchen in the morning is apologize to him.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo frowns, confused, pouring himself a glass of milk. “What are you sorry for?”

Jongdae shuffles from foot to foot, avoiding Kyungsoo's gaze as he glances around the kitchen. Kyungsoo puts the glass down on the counter, growing concerned as Jongdae continues to fidget.

“Yesterday, I–” Jongdae cuts himself short, looking guilty. Kyungsoo sighs, smiling.

“It's okay, Dae,” he reassures. “It wasn't your fault, it was mine. I should have known that it would become unbearable eventually.”

“It's not about that,” Jongdae licks his lips nervously, wringing his fingers.

“It's not?” Kyungsoo's definitely confused. As far as he remembers, Jongdae didn't do anything yesterday that would warrant an apology.

“No,” Jongdae runs a hand through his hair. “It's about Chanyeol.”

Kyungsoo stiffens, worry creasing his brows. “Did something happen to Chanyeol?”

Jongdae flinches. “Something happened with Chanyeol,” he corrects.

“That's not an answer,” Kyungsoo frowns, stomach churning uncomfortably as he goes through all the worst case scenarios in his mind, hating even the _thought_ of something happening to (or with?) Chanyeol.

Jongdae struggles, trying and failing to explain himself before he slumps his shoulders, looking resigned.

“Let's go sit down,” he says, “and I'll explain everything.”

Kyungsoo darts out of the kitchen lighting quick, settling onto the couch and waiting for Jongdae to sit down as well before he leans forward expectantly.

Jongdae hesitates for a second longer before he looks Kyungsoo dead in the eyes and says, “I had an argument with Chanyeol last night.”

Kyungsoo leans away, surprised. He hadn't been expecting that at all. Jongdae and Chanyeol were practically inseparable, what would they even fight about?”

“Why?” Kyungsoo almost wants to laugh because knowing Jongdae, it was definitely about something stupid. His best friend was probably getting worked up over nothing.

“I saw him in your room,” Jongdae says. “I came to look for you because you just disappeared last night and I was worried. I didn't expect to see Chanyeol there, kneeling beside your bed with his fingers in your hair, and I don't know, it just made me angry? I didn't know why he was there of course, but I thought that he...”

So the argument had not been for nothing then.

Jongdae has nothing to be angry about though because it was Kyungsoo who had pleaded with Chanyeol to stay as he held onto his hand like it was his lifeline.

Kyungsoo considers Jongdae. “He was there because I asked him to stay with me, Jongdae. I didn't want to be alone.”

“I wanted to talk to him,” Jongdae continues, not acknowledging Kyungsoo's words, “so we went back to my room. I asked him what happened and he told me you had a panic attack and I– I asked him why he didn't call me and he said it was because he didn't want to leave you alone and I just, I lost it. I flipped out and I said a whole bunch of mean stuff to him that I didn't really mean.”

Kyungsoo gasps, shocked.

“Tell me what you said to him,” Kyungsoo demands, angry and offended on Chanyeol's behalf. “Word for word.”

And so Jongdae tells him everything, from start to finish. Even the part where he told Chanyeol that Kyungsoo didn't like spending time with him – which was the biggest fucking lie – and only did so because Chanyeol was Jongdae's friend and Kyungsoo was just being polite to him and Kyungsoo has to take a few seconds to make sure he just heard everything correctly.

If Jongdae had flipped out yesterday, then Kyungsoo was definitely about to flip the fuck out now.

“Jongdae,” he glares at his best friend, who looks contrite as he braces himself for Kyungsoo's outburst. “Are you fucking insane?! What is wrong with you?”

Jongdae winces at Kyungsoo's raised tone.

“I cannot believe that you would do something like that, Dae,” Kyungsoo shakes his head in disbelief, shifting further away from Jongdae on the couch. “Chanyeol is your friend! He's been helping you with everything, from your schoolwork to your stupid assignment and yet you–”

Kyungsoo groans, cutting himself off as he runs a hand through his hair. He can't believe that Jongdae could be so mean. So _stupid_.

“And how dare you speak on my behalf, anyways,” he scowls, pointing an accusing finger at him. “I don't remember ever telling you that I was hanging out with Chanyeol for _your_ sake so why the hell would you tell him that? What did you even gain by telling him that?!”

“I'm sorry” Jongdae apologizes again before he explains. “I was just looking out for you, Soo. Promise. It's happened so many times before, where people just try to push you around and force you to talk to them and I– I was just so scared that it was going to happen again, especially because I could see that you were trying your hardest to talk to him and spend time with him so I thought that it was because he was forcing all of that onto you. I just wanted to protect you from that, Soo. So I asked him to leave before he could hurt you, before he tried to do something that made you uncomfortable.”

“You just made everything _worse_!” Kyungsoo shouts, furious. “I tried _so_ hard to get to know him, and communicate with him, and even talk to him because _I_ wanted to, Jongdae. It was all me! I want him to be around me as much as he can and I want to spend time with him because _I_ like him. I _like_ him. That's even why I suggested we all have dinner together, because I wanted to spend Christmas with Chanyeol.”

Kyungsoo swallows thickly.

“Chanyeol has never forced anything on me,” Kyungsoo makes sure to let Jongdae know. “From the very first day he's been nothing but considerate. _I_ asked you for his number, _I_ texted him first, _I_ was the one who always called him over and _I_ tried speaking to him that day at the library because _I_ wanted to. So I have no idea why you think that Chanyeol was the one being forceful. If anything, it was probably me because I was constantly asking him to come over, to sacrifice his free time just so I could see him.”

“I know, Kyungsoo,” Jongdae sighs, lips pulling down. “I was just worried and–”

“–and you've ruined all of my hard work, all the progress I've made, just because you were being stupid. I'm not a baby Jongdae and I know what's good for me and what isn't even if you don't seem to think so.”

“You know,” Kyungsoo looks away from Jongdae, “you accused Chanyeol of treating me like a charity case when in reality you're the one that treats me like I'm a damsel in fucking distress. Like I can't take care of myself.”

Jongdae flinches but says nothing and Kyungsoo knows that he sees some form of truth behind his words because he doesn't look offended at Kyungsoo's words, just guilty. Kyungsoo does feel a little bad for being so harsh but it's better if Jongdae hears it now and hears it from him. Luhan was already considering talking to Jongdae about it at their next session anyways.

“Thanks to you,” Kyungsoo pouts at Jongdae, “Chanyeol thinks that I don't like him and he's never going to talk to me again. I can't believe you hurt him like that.”

And to think that it all went downhill because Chanyeol was the one who helped him yesterday when he was alone in that hallway and struggling to breathe (which, ironically, was also his own fault because he was so adamant to spend Christmas with Chanyeol that he invited the others over and then had freaked out after dinner when Baekhyun had reached for the sketchbook that he forgot to pick up from the coffee table). He hadn't even know it was Chanyeol at first, only realizing once his heart rate was back to normal and his breathing had evened out again, but once he recognized his voice, Kyungsoo had refused to let go of him, breathing in the scent of Chanyeol's cologne as he slumped against his chest. After Chanyeol helped him into his room and Kyungsoo lay down on his bed, letting Chanyeol tuck him in, he hadn't expected him to just leave so he panicked. Kyungsoo had panicked so much over the fact that Chanyeol was trying to leave him that he didn't even realize he had begged – using his _words_ , his _voice_ – him to stay until Chanyeol was kneeling down on the floor and running his fingers through Kyungsoo's hair. Chanyeol's expression had been unreadable and Kyungsoo had been too tired to try and figure it out but he had been content enough with the fact that Chanyeol was staying. He had felt so safe with Chanyeol there that he had drifted off to sleep with Chanyeol's fingers still combing through his hair.

But maybe if he had stayed awake then this whole situation could have been avoided.

“I spoke to him yesterday,” Kyungsoo mumbles, dejected. “On my own, I spoke to him. I asked him to stay with me and he heard. I spoke to him. It was progress, such a big step for our relationship, but it means nothing now.”

All because Jongdae was trying to _help_.

Kyungsoo _is_ mad at him but at the same time, he understands where Jongdae is coming from.

“No!” Jongdae jumps up, clasping his hands together. “You can still talk to him. Whenever you want. Just text him and explain the situation to him. He'll understand that it isn't your fault. He likes you way too much to just stop talking to you.”

Kyungsoo frowns and chucks a cushion at Jongdae. “Why do I have to explain things when you're the one that fucked up?”

“Because,” Jongdae sits back again, “he isn't answering any of my calls neither is he replying to my texts. I called his brother instead but he just threatened to beat my ass so I decided to try again later. But if you text him, he'll read it for sure. I know Chanyeol is important to you, and I know that you mean a lot to him too, so… at least try to text him? _Please_?”

“I hate you for causing this mess,” Kyungsoo says instead, pouting at Jongdae again.

Jongdae sighs.

“You can hate me for as long as you want,” Jongdae says with a self-deprecating smile. “Because I kinda hate me too. But your boyfriend is hurting and he needs you, so you should try and cheer him up.”

“Shut up, Dae,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

“You do know he likes you, right?” Jongdae asks, looking upset again as his shoulders slump.

“Of course,” Kyungsoo admits. “He's very obvious. And I'm not dumb. At first though, I was so worried that he would make a move and I wasn't ready for it then, but as time passed, I started getting frustrated because he wasn't making _any_ moves on me. That's why I started putting in all of the effort after that.”

“Nice,” Jongdae smirks. “So, did you, like, grab his dick yet?”

“Jongdae!” Kyungsoo shrieks, scandalized. He reaches forward to smack him on the chest.

Jongdae laughs loudly and the sound puts Kyungsoo at ease because even though he knows Jongdae is at fault, he also doesn't want him to beat himself up over this. They'll work it out eventually, even if Kyungsoo does want Yifan to beat Jongdae's ass. He probably deserves it.

“So will you text him?” Jongdae asks hopeful.

“No,” Kyungsoo says resolutely and Jongdae sulks. “I'll go over to his place to speak to him.”

 

*

 

Kyungsoo doesn't actually go over immediately because, well, it's easier said than done.

First, he gets Jongdae to call Junmyeon hyung and ask him to help get Yifan and Baekhyun away from the apartment. Junmyeon agrees but only after Jongdae explains the entire situation to him and tells him that Kyungsoo _wants_ to go over to see Chanyeol. Junmyeon seems happy that Kyungsoo is going to see Chanyeol because apparently he isn't doing too well – Kyungsoo pinches Jongdae’s thigh once he hears that – and he thinks that maybe seeing Kyungsoo will help cheer him up.

Second, they wait for Junmyeon to work his magic and convince Yifan and Baekhyun to go out for lunch with him and give Chanyeol some space. Kyungsoo is so grateful when Junmyeon tells them that he'll keep Yifan and Baekhyun out until three pm that he takes his number from Jongdae and sends him a thank you text with a bunch of emojis. Jongdae smiles proudly and him and laughs when Junmyeon gushes about it to him, sending a screenshot of Kyungsoo's text along for proof. Kyungsoo feels happy; he's proud of himself too.

Third, Kyungsoo spends almost half-an-hour mentally preparing himself for what he's about to do. Jongdae seems concerned but Kyungsoo waves him away because he wants to do this, he _needs_ to do this. Chanyeol deserves so much better than a measly apology sent via text. Also, Kyungsoo really wants to see him again and wants to try and talk to him again. Of course he promises Jongdae that he won't force himself to do so, even if he secretly knows that he won't have to. It's just a feeling he has.

Once he feels ready, Kyungsoo takes Chanyeol's address from Jongdae and leaves, not even bothering to change out of the black sweat pants and black hoodie he wore this morning after he showered (it’s not because he doesn't want to look nice for Chanyeol but he's pretty certain that if he wastes more time, his courage is going to fizzle out).

 

Surprisingly though, it doesn't.

 

On the long walk over to Chanyeol's apartment, Kyungsoo's resolution only grows and he feels more and more confident with each step he takes, safe with the knowledge that Chanyeol is alone at home – just him – with no one else for Kyungsoo to worry about. The fact that he’s excited to see Chanyeol instead of nervous, says a lot about how much Kyungsoo has come to trust him over the course of three months. It feels a little unreal to him but he's happy and isn't that what Luhan says matters the most?

When he knocks on Chanyeol's door he _does_ feel nervous but it's a very strange kind of feeling because it doesn't feel entirely bad. Kyungsoo doesn't have to time to dwell on it though because Chanyeol is opening the door with a scowl on his face, clearly not expecting visitors.

It takes a second for him to register Kyungsoo's presence and his expression changes instantly, eyes widening comically and mouth hanging open in surprise. He looks shocked as he gapes at Kyungsoo like a fish, seemingly unable to process the fact that Kyungsoo is here. Outside his door.

Kyungsoo smiles (partly because Chanyeol looks a little stupid but mostly because he's amused) and waves shyly and Chanyeol snaps back to reality as he opens the door wider, stumbling over his own feet in his haste to move aside and let Kyungsoo in.

“Hi Kyungsoo,” he says, amazed. “It's good to see you here– I mean it's good to see you.”

Kyungsoo keeps his gaze lowered but he nods, taking off his shoes and placing them aside before following behind Chanyeol to the living room, sitting down on the couch as Chanyeol hovers nervously, standing near the other end of the couch, keeping some distance between them.

It's Kyungsoo's first time here in Chanyeol's apartment and he wants to look around and explore but he's also too shy to actually do so. He keeps his hands in his lap and his gaze fixed on them, smiling to himself when Chanyeol rushes off to get him a glass of water after spending a few seconds shuffling awkwardly in place.

He takes the chance to look up and look around, noticing the TV at first glance with a tinge of jealousy before taking in all the DVDs scattered across the coffee table along with a bunch of other stuff. The main difference between Chanyeol's apartment and Kyungsoo's is how messy it is, which is probably because there are three people living here instead of two. Even still, it looks cozy, feels like home. He likes it.

He glances back at his hands when Chanyeol returns with his water, placing the glass on the coffee table, right in front of Kyungsoo, before he steps away again. Kyungsoo takes the glass, grateful, and chugs it down because the walk from his apartment to Chanyeol's was definitely tiring. Chanyeol waits for him to put the empty glass back on the table before he breaks the silence.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asks, soft and hesitant, almost like he's afraid. Of what, Kyungsoo doesn't know, but doesn't want Chanyeol to be afraid, especially not of him.

He nods in response to Chanyeol's question and hears him sigh with relief. It makes Kyungsoo happy that Chanyeol still cares about him. At least all hope isn't lost.

 

That reminds him why he came here in the first place. To apologize.

 

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and releases it, his head is lowered but he closes his eyes anyways because it makes him feel a little more confident, a little more brave.

“I'm sorry,” he says, soft but clear enough for Chanyeol to hear. “About yesterday. Jongdae told me what happened.”

“It's okay,” Chanyeol says but his voice sounds strained, and Kyungsoo doesn't know if it's because he's hearing him speak or because he's upset about yesterday. Maybe it's because of both those things.

Kyungsoo sighs and shakes his head, hoping that Chanyeol will just let him say what he has to without interrupting again because Kyungsoo feels like if he doesn't do this now, he's never going to be able to do it again.

“No,” he says, eyes still closed. “It wasn't your fault. Jongdae gets over protective sometimes. Don't forgive him if you don't want to but also don't take everything he said to heart. I didn't get close to you just because of Jongdae, he lied. I wanted to be your friend too and I was jealous when you spent so much time with him. I like texting you and I like when you come over. I like hearing you laugh, and sing, and talk, and I– I like you. Very much. And you don't force me to do anything, or make me uncomfortable and I like it when you're around. I don't want you to leave me alone and I don't want you to stay away from me because of what Jongdae said. You're different and you're nice to me. And I like you very much. Please don't stop talking to me.”

Kyungsoo is more than a little embarrassed after his rant. He can feel his cheeks burning and he squeezes his eyes shut tighter, digging his fingers into his thighs and chewing on his bottom lip. He can't believe he just went off on a tangent like that but at least now Chanyeol knows. He knows that Kyungsoo doesn't hate him and that he wants him around.

Kyungsoo snaps his eyes open when he feels Chanyeol's hands covering his own as he sits down on the coffee table.

“Thank you,” he whispers, hands trembling. “Thank you for telling me all of that. I was so worried that you didn't like me or something and–”

He trails off and Kyungsoo looks up at him, taking in his red rimmed eyes and flushed cheeks and his wide, happy smile. _He’s perfect_ Kyungsoo thinks slightly entranced. Even with his messy hair and dressed in worn, comfortable clothes, Chanyeol is perfect; especially when he smiles at Kyungsoo so brilliantly, his dimple winking at him and his eyes crinkling to the point they're barely visible.

“I like you very much too,” he tells Kyungsoo with a blush on his cheeks to mirror his own. Kyungsoo can't look away, doesn't want to look away from Chanyeol. “I promise I'll stay by you side, Soo. And we can go back to the way things were before–”

“No,” Kyungsoo interrupts, frowning slightly. Chanyeol blinks.

“No?” He sounds and looks confused, tilting his head to the side.

“No,” Kyungsoo repeats, lips twitching. “Not like before, I want more.”

Chanyeol stares, eyebrows raising slowly.

“You want more? Like what?” He asks softly, still sounding confused but also a little hopeful. Kyungsoo smiles, leaning forward a little.

“Lunch,” he looks down at his lap, at Chanyeol's huge hands curled over his own and melts a little at the way they seem to completely dwarf his own. “At _Gastro_ ,” he clarifies, still jealous that Jongdae got to eat there with Chanyeol but he didn't. “On Sunday.”

Because Kyungsoo still wants Sunday's to be their thing.

Chanyeol laughs, squeezing Kyungsoo's hands within his own. Kyungsoo smiles, big and genuine. He really does love Chanyeol's laugh.

“Okay,” Chanyeol agrees, chuckling. “We'll have lunch together at _Gastro._ On Sunday, just the two of us.”

Kyungsoo is so _so_ happy when he hears Chanyeol's words.

That's what he blames his boldness on when he shifts closer to Chanyeol and leans forward, slowly, until Chanyeol gets the hint and moves closer himself, letting Kyungsoo rest his head against his chest, much like last night when he helped Kyungsoo calm down after finding him alone in the hallway. Chanyeol lets go of Kyungsoo's hands only wrap his arms around him, enveloping him in a loose hug, leaving room for Kyungsoo to pull away if he wants to.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and presses closer.

“Thank you,” he whispers into the fabric of Chanyeol's hoodie and he feels Chanyeol's deep chuckle as it reverberates through his chest, making Kyungsoo break out into a wide grin, fisting his hands in Chanyeol's hoodie. In lieu of a response, Chanyeol presses his cheek against the side of Kyungsoo's head, almost nuzzling him, and wraps his arms tight around him, pulling him impossibly closer as he sways them slowly.

Kyungsoo sighs into Chanyeol's chest, happy and content, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

 

 

At the wall on the side, just above the cluttered book rack, a framed painting of a little black poodle is hung up slightly askew, tiny heart stickers placed strategically to fill up the empty corners.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, if you've made it through this monstrosity then I salute you!!!
> 
> This was my first time participating in a fic fest so overall, I am happy with my work even if I am not 100% satisfied with it. When I started writing, I had no idea that the fic would turn out to be so long, as I had estimated a max word count of about 10-15k. I didn't expect it to exceed that because I already had my story-line planned out and there really wasn't much to write. Eventually, I had almost 26K words and I still wasn't close to being done with the fic. That's why towards the end, everything might seem a little rushed because I just had to leave out a lot of what I had initially planned to write and mention a lot of other things under the cut. I was a little disappointed by that but after ending with a fic that was well over 30k+ words in length (which is my longest fic, completed or otherwise, so yay!!!!) I decided to focus on the positive instead of the negatives. And since I had to change so much, my ending was also something that I had to compromise on, which is why it may seem a little unrealistic and rushed but, whatever. 
> 
> A few things that I could not fit anywhere into the fic but wanted to mention:
> 
> 1) Yifan is Chanyeol's half brother from his mother's first marriage. It isn't hinted anywhere, but the backstory I had for him was that his father passed away when he was barely a few months old. When his mom remarried later, Yifan was accepted by Chanyeol's dad as his own and he still loves him as much as he loves Chanyeol.  
> 2) All of the characters that appear in the fic are taking the fall semester. I didn't specify the University they all go to but they follow the same semester as Leipzig University, which means that the fall semester starts in October and ends in March, and their winter break lasts from the 20th of Dec to the 2nd of Jan (I have no idea why I did so and also don't ask why I never mentioned any exams or anything lol).  
> 3) I didn't go into details about their courses because this fic was already getting too large but the general idea is that Chanyeol and Jongdae are Music Majors, Baekhyun and Junmyeon are Business Majors, Kyungsoo is a Fine Arts Major and Yifan is a Psychology Major with a minor in Sports Sciences (that's how he pulls all that money to take care of Chanyeol because he has a dope internship that I failed to mention).  
> 4) Kyungsoo is so often at the music department because he hangs out there with Jongdae during his free time.  
> 5) A few other EXO members are mentioned briefly throughout the fic. Yixing is obviously Mr. Zhang, the librarian. Mr. Kim is Minseok and he is one of Chanyeol's professors (the one who Chanyeol helps out in the recording studio). And Luhan is Kyungsoo's therapist and has been for a very long time (which is why Kyungsoo can communicate with him to some extent).  
> 6) The Ending - Kyungsoo has been suffering for years, he isn't going to magically get better within a few months no matter how patient and understanding Chanyeol may be. What I did want to portray, however, was the fact that since Kyungsoo spoke to Chanyeol – on his own volition and without being forced in the slightest – there is a high possibility that he may end up getting better much sooner than anyone expects.
> 
> I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU NOTICED BUT THIS FIC IS LOWKEY (HIGHKEY) A CHANYEOL APPRECIATION FIC!!!! Because everyone being in love with Chanyeol is my kink.
> 
> PS: On a serious note, if you stan EXO, remember to love and appreciate every single member equally. If you can't do that, at least respect all of them even if you may be a solo stan.
> 
> (PPS: I am on Twitter – [@Yeollie_Mouse](https://mobile.twitter.com/Yeollie_Mouse) and Curious Cat – [Minnie_Soo](https://curiouscat.me/Minnie_Soo))


End file.
